Ever have a doll that when you lay it down it cries? I am that doll.
I am a mess but I also don't want help.
I don't have my rent money, due on the 1st.
I don't have the land line/Internet money, due on the 2ND.
I don't have the cellphone money, due on the 5Th.
I am not sure when the electric bill is due and the car and student loans are already a month behind.
I haven't been to work in over a month, and don't know when I am going back since they don't know what is wrong with my knee.
I don't want anyone to help me, I have always been the one to earn my money.
I moved out hoping to never be my parents, never asking for help.
I don't want people to offer me loans, or to take me places and buy me things. Part of being an adult is having responsibility and doing it on your own! I don't want the help!
I have never had any addictions that would cause me to lose a job or spend my money unwisely.
I rarely sleep because I have nightmares. Nightmares of being alone. Nightmares of not having enough money and being kicked out, watching my car be taken away and never being able to work again.
I have had many, many meltdowns. I cry and cry wishing everything would find a way to work, find the money to pay the bills and find a way to get out of my apartment and again join the human race.
Because of the lack of money, the knee injury, the nightmares, and the meltdowns I have lost all of my friends. They barely existed before but now they don't exist at all. They didn't know how to handle my moods, my breakdowns and I can't go out anywhere for lack of money so I stay here, alone, crying.
In case everything doesn't work out and I don't have any kind of communication to the outside world, I'll miss y'all... if anyone actually reads these things!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Knee Update
Hey everyone, its been quite some time hasn't it?
Well I should have been writing more seeing as I have been home for a month due to an injury, but also due to this injury there's nothing to talk about!!
On October 15th I fell down the stairs in the cafeteria at work. I filled out an accident report but the security guy said that it was nothing to worry about, probably just a bruise so I went on working. Everyday the following week I would come home from work with a swollen knee so I called my doctor and made an appointment.
My doctor sent me for X-Rays and told me not to do any excessive walking or standing. I went back to work and for the most part was put as the phone operator but still worked the concierge desk on occasion. When I went back for the follow up with my doctor he said my X-Rays came back normal and said I should go get an MRI. I was worried that the MRI wouldn't be covered by the insurance so I called to verify, this is when I was told that since the accident happened at work that they had the option to reject my claim.
That day I went to Human Resources for advice, this is 4 weeks after the initial accident. She told me that I had to basically start the whole process over with their doctors, I could not finish that nights shift and I could not return to work without a clean bill of health from the doctor.
I was then put into a cab and sent to Concentra in Franklin Park, more X-Rays were taken and this doctor finds a hairline fracture in my knee and requests a stat MRI scheduled for the following Monday.
Monday comes and I am getting ready to leave for the MRI office when I get a phone call, the MRI was canceled since the hotels insurance had not approved it yet. I then get a phone call from the hotels insurance to do an interview of what had happened. They tell me that I will be paid 2/3 of my paycheck while I am out of work.
A week later they tell me I can see the orthopedic surgeon who gives me a Cortozone shot. This helped for a few hours and then caused all kinds of pain that night, which he said would happen. What he did not say would happen is that my knee got worse for the next week! I can't sit for too long without my knee giving out, it even hurts to the touch now! So I called him to tell him and I saw him again, this time he says go for the MRI, 3 weeks after the initial doctor said go for an MRI.
Today, 2 months after the accident, I went to the doctor to get the results of last weeks MRI. The doctor found nothing! No fracture, no tear, nothing. So tell me why am I in so much pain??
I can't go back to work since he still has restrictions on me, no stairs, ladders, kneeling, crawling or crouching. I can't do much around the apartment becuase it hurts to be up and around. I am not getting any sleep since I can't get comfortable in bed. I am not going out anywhere thanks to living in Chicago and it being winter, the ice and my knee dont seem to like each other. I am going nuts without work and the checks coming from the insurance are not enough, making me depressed that I know I can not pay my bills on my own.
Tomorrow I start physical therapy, the doctor thinks that I need to strengthen my knee.
Wish me luck, I need to get back to work, I need to be around people!
Well I should have been writing more seeing as I have been home for a month due to an injury, but also due to this injury there's nothing to talk about!!
On October 15th I fell down the stairs in the cafeteria at work. I filled out an accident report but the security guy said that it was nothing to worry about, probably just a bruise so I went on working. Everyday the following week I would come home from work with a swollen knee so I called my doctor and made an appointment.
My doctor sent me for X-Rays and told me not to do any excessive walking or standing. I went back to work and for the most part was put as the phone operator but still worked the concierge desk on occasion. When I went back for the follow up with my doctor he said my X-Rays came back normal and said I should go get an MRI. I was worried that the MRI wouldn't be covered by the insurance so I called to verify, this is when I was told that since the accident happened at work that they had the option to reject my claim.
That day I went to Human Resources for advice, this is 4 weeks after the initial accident. She told me that I had to basically start the whole process over with their doctors, I could not finish that nights shift and I could not return to work without a clean bill of health from the doctor.
I was then put into a cab and sent to Concentra in Franklin Park, more X-Rays were taken and this doctor finds a hairline fracture in my knee and requests a stat MRI scheduled for the following Monday.
Monday comes and I am getting ready to leave for the MRI office when I get a phone call, the MRI was canceled since the hotels insurance had not approved it yet. I then get a phone call from the hotels insurance to do an interview of what had happened. They tell me that I will be paid 2/3 of my paycheck while I am out of work.
A week later they tell me I can see the orthopedic surgeon who gives me a Cortozone shot. This helped for a few hours and then caused all kinds of pain that night, which he said would happen. What he did not say would happen is that my knee got worse for the next week! I can't sit for too long without my knee giving out, it even hurts to the touch now! So I called him to tell him and I saw him again, this time he says go for the MRI, 3 weeks after the initial doctor said go for an MRI.
Today, 2 months after the accident, I went to the doctor to get the results of last weeks MRI. The doctor found nothing! No fracture, no tear, nothing. So tell me why am I in so much pain??
I can't go back to work since he still has restrictions on me, no stairs, ladders, kneeling, crawling or crouching. I can't do much around the apartment becuase it hurts to be up and around. I am not getting any sleep since I can't get comfortable in bed. I am not going out anywhere thanks to living in Chicago and it being winter, the ice and my knee dont seem to like each other. I am going nuts without work and the checks coming from the insurance are not enough, making me depressed that I know I can not pay my bills on my own.
Tomorrow I start physical therapy, the doctor thinks that I need to strengthen my knee.
Wish me luck, I need to get back to work, I need to be around people!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Coley is still completely in love with someone who will never love her
There's a Christmas song with the line "and I miss you most at Christmas time."
It's true. I fight with myself every night before bed if I want to put up the decorations, have my party, or even celebrate Christmas this year. Most of you know that Christmas is my favorite holiday but this year it just seems to be bringing back a lot of Aimad memories.
My Christmas party is a tradition I started the Christmas after we all graduated high school.
Two years ago December 16th, Aimad came to my Christmas party and kissed me for the first time. I can remember every second of it, what I was wearing, where we were, who was there, how it made me feel. Last year we celebrated the one year anniversary of our first kiss here at my apartment in front of the Christmas tree.
This year there will be no celebrating of the first kiss.
The decorations all remind me of what he was supposed to help me with but never did and now never will. The movies he never wanted to watch and never will have to. Almost everything I went shopping for last year was for him and was wrapped under the tree. I always wanted everything to be special for him, it was technically his first Christmas.
He was supposed to come to my family Christmas. He hated family things but promised me he would come and then go to work. He never called me on Christmas, never came to my family dinner. He may not know and also may not care, but I spent the majority of last Christmas just waiting with my cellphone in hand for his call, a call that never came.
This year I won't get a call either and I will be just as sad.
He did good on the gift part. His friend left at the beginning of December to go back to Morocco and left him a bunch of stuff to sell on Ebay. He knew how bad I wanted a computer since moving into my apartment so instead of selling his friends computer he cleaned it up and gave it to me, even put a nice bow on it. It was the only time I was in his apartment the entire time we were together last year. This year no gifts will be exchanged.
Aimad broke up with me on July 23rd, today is December 2nd and the hurt, the pain and the tears are all still real. I can't fall asleep at night without wondering what I could have done different, what I could have said so that he wouldn't leave me. He was not the best boyfriend but he made my heart whole. I am dreading the holiday without him, living through December 16th knowing that it will always mean more to me than it would to him, throwing my party remembering that that was the event that first brought us together and sitting by the phone on Christmas Day wondering if he is thinking about me too.
Aimad I miss you most at Christmas time.
It's true. I fight with myself every night before bed if I want to put up the decorations, have my party, or even celebrate Christmas this year. Most of you know that Christmas is my favorite holiday but this year it just seems to be bringing back a lot of Aimad memories.
My Christmas party is a tradition I started the Christmas after we all graduated high school.
Two years ago December 16th, Aimad came to my Christmas party and kissed me for the first time. I can remember every second of it, what I was wearing, where we were, who was there, how it made me feel. Last year we celebrated the one year anniversary of our first kiss here at my apartment in front of the Christmas tree.
This year there will be no celebrating of the first kiss.
The decorations all remind me of what he was supposed to help me with but never did and now never will. The movies he never wanted to watch and never will have to. Almost everything I went shopping for last year was for him and was wrapped under the tree. I always wanted everything to be special for him, it was technically his first Christmas.
He was supposed to come to my family Christmas. He hated family things but promised me he would come and then go to work. He never called me on Christmas, never came to my family dinner. He may not know and also may not care, but I spent the majority of last Christmas just waiting with my cellphone in hand for his call, a call that never came.
This year I won't get a call either and I will be just as sad.
He did good on the gift part. His friend left at the beginning of December to go back to Morocco and left him a bunch of stuff to sell on Ebay. He knew how bad I wanted a computer since moving into my apartment so instead of selling his friends computer he cleaned it up and gave it to me, even put a nice bow on it. It was the only time I was in his apartment the entire time we were together last year. This year no gifts will be exchanged.
Aimad broke up with me on July 23rd, today is December 2nd and the hurt, the pain and the tears are all still real. I can't fall asleep at night without wondering what I could have done different, what I could have said so that he wouldn't leave me. He was not the best boyfriend but he made my heart whole. I am dreading the holiday without him, living through December 16th knowing that it will always mean more to me than it would to him, throwing my party remembering that that was the event that first brought us together and sitting by the phone on Christmas Day wondering if he is thinking about me too.
Aimad I miss you most at Christmas time.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
I deserve The Best, instead I Settle for whatever comes around
So I have had 2 boyfriends ever. The first was physically abusive the second mentally abusive, neither one thinks they ever did anything wrong, why is that? Why do guys always find a way to twist everything to blame girls so that the girl ends up looking crazy or like a drama queen or the victim?
Andres was my first boyfriend. I was never attracted to him, he was a big ugly Mexican, but he was also the first and only guy to ever ask me out and I was already 21 so I said yes. He started out great, buying me movies, sitting on the porch drinking beer until all hours of the night. His friends told me how wonderful a guy he was. We never went OUT though, we were basement dwellers always ordering pizza and watching TV with his friends. I never did anything right, I wore the wrong clothes, went to the wrong school, had the wrong job, drove the wrong car. He deleted friends from my cellphone that he didn't want me to talk to. Andres was always pushing for sex but I was never giving in, I was the girl waiting for marriage and it was a talk we had had a lot. Eventually he didn't want to talk anymore and since it was something that he wanted he took it. I still have horrible, horrible nightmares of that night. At the time I didn't tell anyone what had happened, I had watched enough TV and movies to know no one would believe me. He told me he loved me and we would be together forever so I stayed with him and kept my mouth shut. A few months later, which my brother referred to as "the 6 month rule" Andres made a huge scene and yelled at me for 3 hours about how I was the worst girlfriend he ever had and kicked me out of the house. The fight started with us making plans to celebrate Christmas that night (it was Dec. 27) dinner, a movie and drinks. I went home to get dressed up nice, I had just gotten home from work, and when I came back he was gone. I waited for about 20min but he didn't show up and he didn't have a cellphone. Outraged and sad I went for a drive, while driving I saw his truck at a restaurant where he happened to be with all of his friends having dinner. I started crying and drove to Wrigley, he was calling and calling finally he got me to come home and we went to the movies, we didn't speak to each other the whole time. My perfect boyfriend Christmas had been ruined. When we got home it was a whole new nightmare, the worst part about it is he had me so wrapped up in his world that I tried feverishly to win him back. I loathed sex with the man, he would always wait until we were asleep to do anything too me, it was horrible. Once a month for two years Andres would call me and tell me he changed, he missed me, he wanted me back, he made a mistake. I always hoped it was true, I kept going back only for him to get what he wanted and me to be miserable all over again. Things he said to me in the 6 months we were together ring in my head like big giant bells over and over. "If you ever get pregnant I will punch you in the stomach or throw you down a flight of stairs. You will not be the mother of my children." "I can never trust something that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die."
After all of this Andres thinks he did nothing wrong. He didn't rape me I wanted it. He treated me great, remember the movies he got me and the pizza we always ordered. He was the greatest guy in the world if you ask him. Funny how after he broke up with me the same friends who said he was a great guy began to tell me how no one should date him. He even used me once to cheat on the girl he was dating and yelled at me for finding out about it, her stuff was in the shower and I should have taken a shower at home not at his house.
I thought Aimad was different and he was. He never hit me and never forced me to have sex with him. Aimad has his own set of problems though that apparently he too does not find to be problems. He was a great guy, a friend you can tell your problems too and he would listen and not repeat them or judge you for them. He knew all about Andres and what I had gone through. Aimad wanted to change me in a different way and he didn't see anything wrong with that and at first I didn't think it was hurting me either but it built up to cause all kinds of problems.
Aimad had told me he "departmentalizes" his life meaning he has work, he has friends, he has family and he has his girlfriend and they were not to intermix with each other, when he chose me to be the girlfriend he broke that rule seeing as we also worked together. He wanted to keep us a secret at work, except for the people he chose got to know about us, anyone out of his special circle was off limits. This was hard for me as I am a very upfront and outgoing person who doesn't like to hide much, I tell it like it is and you should deal with it. Instead I made up "Phil" who never showed up to anything because he was always working and we went on with life. Aimad continued to tell people he was single, this hurt, but I was determined to make things work.
At first I didn't see him as much because he worked overnights, which was fine but then when he moved to days and I didn't see him then either. Except at work, where we were supposed to ignore each other. A few times that I did try to have a conversation with him and people were around I even got yelled at "Nicole stop, we're at work." I cried a lot even when I was still dating him because of scenes like this.
We had a lot more good times than I did with Andres but Aimad and I always ended up in a fight. He always had something better to do, something he had to get to, someone that apparently needed him more and I would have to bring him home. I never met these other people, I wasn't allowed to, this also hurt a lot, like he was ashamed of me and didn't want anyone to know about me. He said that his friends and family knew about me and they talked about me but since they don't speak English and I was never allowed to see anyone I would never know. I guess guys don't realize how much they are hurting someone they claim to care so much about when they do these things.
We were together for almost a year and never once did we spend a holiday together, I thought that was what boyfriends were for, holidays, gifts, spending time together. Aimad always said, "I didn't think it was important to you." It was and it hurt that the things that were important to me, he felt it was OK to blow off. Yes, he got me this computer for Christmas, that his friend left him to sell on Ebay but it would have been more of a gift to have him at my family Christmas dinner, instead I sat by the phone waiting for a call that never came, he said he overslept.
He was always oversleeping. He didn't have a car so I always had to pick him up and he was supposed to call me when he was at the train so I could leave me house, but nine times out of ten I would sit and wait for the phone call and it either wouldn't come at all or it would come so late that he would say "sorry, I'll make it up to you I promise." If I had a dollar for every time Aimad said those nine words I'd have my rent paid this month and maybe the next. I told him once that would be the inscription on his tombstone " AIMAD FIKRI Sorry, I'll Make It Up To You, I Promise"
He never made it up to me though, the same lines would come week after week, whether it was because he overslept, someone else called and he had to go or we were together and that damn phone would ring and I would have to take him home. I remember all the great days ruined by his damn friends, he never saw it as a problem, but it was. I hated to always be put last or not at all.
We went to the company Christmas party together, we looked amazing like Barbie and Ken, but we had to walk in separate doors and not sit next to each other and I had to explain that "Phil" was working and couldn't make it again. He always made me look stupid.
The day our boss found out that we were together, he stupidly went up to Aimad to ask him about it. Later that day I got a phone call bitching me out for hours about how I let this happen. Yes, after 8 months of dating and deleting all of my friends from MySpace I had asked Aimad's permission to put up some pictures of us and he agreed how was I to know that Carlo would see the pictures and ask Aimad about them? I had to go into work the next day and tell Carlo that we broke up, I had to change my status to single on everything and answer all kinds of questions so that he was happy.
I always gave him what he wanted, something else that was my fault.
For some reason I equate love and friendship with gifts. I never walked out of a store without buying Aimad a gift. I celebrated every occasion, every milestone of the relationship, I liked celebrating us as a couple, there wasn't much reciprocation on his part though. Again, I guess he just thought it wasn't important to me or maybe he didn't have to if he was reaping in all of these great gifts he was on the better side of the relationship.
So many nights I spent crying and he always thought everything was great or he was doing nothing wrong. Even when I would tell him what was wrong it didn't change things he told me I liked playing the victim, but I shouldn't have to play the victim or feel like a victim if I was being treated fairly.
When Aimad broke up with me it had been at the end of my 3 week vacation, which I took in hopes of seeing him more than once every 2 weeks. He hadn't talked to me the entire weekend before and I had gotten and email from him that said "I have been doing a lot of thinking and we need to talk." We set up a time to talk that Wednesday after my interview downtown, which I looked great at and thought I had nailed (didn't). It felt like I was picking up my executioner since I knew what he was going to do. I didn't know where to go to have someone break up with you, so we ended up at a park, where for 3 hours he attempted to explain why we should no longer be together. I was hysterical and only heard some of it and started rambling crazy things like where's my birthday present, but next week is our one year we were making plans, what about the Chihuahua movie and Dirty Dancing. He said we could still do all that, he would be a better friend than a boyfriend anyway. This I knew was a true statement but I also knew he would never be friends with me, I would find it too hard to be friends with him, especially if he found the right girl and started treating her like I had always wanted to be treated it would kill me.
What hurts now is all the contradictions that keep coming up and the lies that are being uncovered. Aimad told me he couldn't go to things like Taste of Chicago or Great America because he hates crowds of people, but he did go to the Air and Water Show, Lollapollza and the Obama Rally all of which had plenty more people. He said he never cheated on me, but sources say that's a lie.
He thinks he was so great and there were few times that he was but there were much greater times that he wasn't, the problem was he didn't seem those times as problems.
So I have had two super bad relationships in different ways and yet the same.
I want a guy who is proud to call me his girlfriend, have a picture of me on his desk, show me off to his friends and not hide me in a basement or my apartment for no one to see or god forbid talk about. I want to be treated with respect and not used for fun and games until you want something new to play with.
I want to spend holidays and birthdays together and not just talk about vacations but actually go on them.
I'm not a spoiled girl, I like that I am independent, but I like gifts and feeling special too.
I want to be a priority, not something you have to do to get it over with. I want you to want to see me not see me as a chore.
Andres was my first boyfriend. I was never attracted to him, he was a big ugly Mexican, but he was also the first and only guy to ever ask me out and I was already 21 so I said yes. He started out great, buying me movies, sitting on the porch drinking beer until all hours of the night. His friends told me how wonderful a guy he was. We never went OUT though, we were basement dwellers always ordering pizza and watching TV with his friends. I never did anything right, I wore the wrong clothes, went to the wrong school, had the wrong job, drove the wrong car. He deleted friends from my cellphone that he didn't want me to talk to. Andres was always pushing for sex but I was never giving in, I was the girl waiting for marriage and it was a talk we had had a lot. Eventually he didn't want to talk anymore and since it was something that he wanted he took it. I still have horrible, horrible nightmares of that night. At the time I didn't tell anyone what had happened, I had watched enough TV and movies to know no one would believe me. He told me he loved me and we would be together forever so I stayed with him and kept my mouth shut. A few months later, which my brother referred to as "the 6 month rule" Andres made a huge scene and yelled at me for 3 hours about how I was the worst girlfriend he ever had and kicked me out of the house. The fight started with us making plans to celebrate Christmas that night (it was Dec. 27) dinner, a movie and drinks. I went home to get dressed up nice, I had just gotten home from work, and when I came back he was gone. I waited for about 20min but he didn't show up and he didn't have a cellphone. Outraged and sad I went for a drive, while driving I saw his truck at a restaurant where he happened to be with all of his friends having dinner. I started crying and drove to Wrigley, he was calling and calling finally he got me to come home and we went to the movies, we didn't speak to each other the whole time. My perfect boyfriend Christmas had been ruined. When we got home it was a whole new nightmare, the worst part about it is he had me so wrapped up in his world that I tried feverishly to win him back. I loathed sex with the man, he would always wait until we were asleep to do anything too me, it was horrible. Once a month for two years Andres would call me and tell me he changed, he missed me, he wanted me back, he made a mistake. I always hoped it was true, I kept going back only for him to get what he wanted and me to be miserable all over again. Things he said to me in the 6 months we were together ring in my head like big giant bells over and over. "If you ever get pregnant I will punch you in the stomach or throw you down a flight of stairs. You will not be the mother of my children." "I can never trust something that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die."
After all of this Andres thinks he did nothing wrong. He didn't rape me I wanted it. He treated me great, remember the movies he got me and the pizza we always ordered. He was the greatest guy in the world if you ask him. Funny how after he broke up with me the same friends who said he was a great guy began to tell me how no one should date him. He even used me once to cheat on the girl he was dating and yelled at me for finding out about it, her stuff was in the shower and I should have taken a shower at home not at his house.
I thought Aimad was different and he was. He never hit me and never forced me to have sex with him. Aimad has his own set of problems though that apparently he too does not find to be problems. He was a great guy, a friend you can tell your problems too and he would listen and not repeat them or judge you for them. He knew all about Andres and what I had gone through. Aimad wanted to change me in a different way and he didn't see anything wrong with that and at first I didn't think it was hurting me either but it built up to cause all kinds of problems.
Aimad had told me he "departmentalizes" his life meaning he has work, he has friends, he has family and he has his girlfriend and they were not to intermix with each other, when he chose me to be the girlfriend he broke that rule seeing as we also worked together. He wanted to keep us a secret at work, except for the people he chose got to know about us, anyone out of his special circle was off limits. This was hard for me as I am a very upfront and outgoing person who doesn't like to hide much, I tell it like it is and you should deal with it. Instead I made up "Phil" who never showed up to anything because he was always working and we went on with life. Aimad continued to tell people he was single, this hurt, but I was determined to make things work.
At first I didn't see him as much because he worked overnights, which was fine but then when he moved to days and I didn't see him then either. Except at work, where we were supposed to ignore each other. A few times that I did try to have a conversation with him and people were around I even got yelled at "Nicole stop, we're at work." I cried a lot even when I was still dating him because of scenes like this.
We had a lot more good times than I did with Andres but Aimad and I always ended up in a fight. He always had something better to do, something he had to get to, someone that apparently needed him more and I would have to bring him home. I never met these other people, I wasn't allowed to, this also hurt a lot, like he was ashamed of me and didn't want anyone to know about me. He said that his friends and family knew about me and they talked about me but since they don't speak English and I was never allowed to see anyone I would never know. I guess guys don't realize how much they are hurting someone they claim to care so much about when they do these things.
We were together for almost a year and never once did we spend a holiday together, I thought that was what boyfriends were for, holidays, gifts, spending time together. Aimad always said, "I didn't think it was important to you." It was and it hurt that the things that were important to me, he felt it was OK to blow off. Yes, he got me this computer for Christmas, that his friend left him to sell on Ebay but it would have been more of a gift to have him at my family Christmas dinner, instead I sat by the phone waiting for a call that never came, he said he overslept.
He was always oversleeping. He didn't have a car so I always had to pick him up and he was supposed to call me when he was at the train so I could leave me house, but nine times out of ten I would sit and wait for the phone call and it either wouldn't come at all or it would come so late that he would say "sorry, I'll make it up to you I promise." If I had a dollar for every time Aimad said those nine words I'd have my rent paid this month and maybe the next. I told him once that would be the inscription on his tombstone " AIMAD FIKRI Sorry, I'll Make It Up To You, I Promise"
He never made it up to me though, the same lines would come week after week, whether it was because he overslept, someone else called and he had to go or we were together and that damn phone would ring and I would have to take him home. I remember all the great days ruined by his damn friends, he never saw it as a problem, but it was. I hated to always be put last or not at all.
We went to the company Christmas party together, we looked amazing like Barbie and Ken, but we had to walk in separate doors and not sit next to each other and I had to explain that "Phil" was working and couldn't make it again. He always made me look stupid.
The day our boss found out that we were together, he stupidly went up to Aimad to ask him about it. Later that day I got a phone call bitching me out for hours about how I let this happen. Yes, after 8 months of dating and deleting all of my friends from MySpace I had asked Aimad's permission to put up some pictures of us and he agreed how was I to know that Carlo would see the pictures and ask Aimad about them? I had to go into work the next day and tell Carlo that we broke up, I had to change my status to single on everything and answer all kinds of questions so that he was happy.
I always gave him what he wanted, something else that was my fault.
For some reason I equate love and friendship with gifts. I never walked out of a store without buying Aimad a gift. I celebrated every occasion, every milestone of the relationship, I liked celebrating us as a couple, there wasn't much reciprocation on his part though. Again, I guess he just thought it wasn't important to me or maybe he didn't have to if he was reaping in all of these great gifts he was on the better side of the relationship.
So many nights I spent crying and he always thought everything was great or he was doing nothing wrong. Even when I would tell him what was wrong it didn't change things he told me I liked playing the victim, but I shouldn't have to play the victim or feel like a victim if I was being treated fairly.
When Aimad broke up with me it had been at the end of my 3 week vacation, which I took in hopes of seeing him more than once every 2 weeks. He hadn't talked to me the entire weekend before and I had gotten and email from him that said "I have been doing a lot of thinking and we need to talk." We set up a time to talk that Wednesday after my interview downtown, which I looked great at and thought I had nailed (didn't). It felt like I was picking up my executioner since I knew what he was going to do. I didn't know where to go to have someone break up with you, so we ended up at a park, where for 3 hours he attempted to explain why we should no longer be together. I was hysterical and only heard some of it and started rambling crazy things like where's my birthday present, but next week is our one year we were making plans, what about the Chihuahua movie and Dirty Dancing. He said we could still do all that, he would be a better friend than a boyfriend anyway. This I knew was a true statement but I also knew he would never be friends with me, I would find it too hard to be friends with him, especially if he found the right girl and started treating her like I had always wanted to be treated it would kill me.
What hurts now is all the contradictions that keep coming up and the lies that are being uncovered. Aimad told me he couldn't go to things like Taste of Chicago or Great America because he hates crowds of people, but he did go to the Air and Water Show, Lollapollza and the Obama Rally all of which had plenty more people. He said he never cheated on me, but sources say that's a lie.
He thinks he was so great and there were few times that he was but there were much greater times that he wasn't, the problem was he didn't seem those times as problems.
So I have had two super bad relationships in different ways and yet the same.
I want a guy who is proud to call me his girlfriend, have a picture of me on his desk, show me off to his friends and not hide me in a basement or my apartment for no one to see or god forbid talk about. I want to be treated with respect and not used for fun and games until you want something new to play with.
I want to spend holidays and birthdays together and not just talk about vacations but actually go on them.
I'm not a spoiled girl, I like that I am independent, but I like gifts and feeling special too.
I want to be a priority, not something you have to do to get it over with. I want you to want to see me not see me as a chore.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Depression
Have any of you suffered from Depression? Have any of you told someone who is depressed, "don't worry it will get better." "Move on, get over it." Guess what, it doesn't work that way.
I have been the most miserable the past few months. Crying myself to sleep, crying at the mall even crying at work and all I hear is "get over it."
You may think I am a drama queen, I want attention, I want Aimad to feel bad for breaking up with me or my parents to notice that I have been a successful person who asks for nothing. I feel like life isn't even worth living anymore. More than once I have had thoughts of taking my own life, even have feebly "attempted" to do so in recent weeks. I actually told that to someone in confidence and he said that I can't even do that right. In my head I didn't really want to do it but a part of me wishes I could go through with it.
But then do you ever wonder if all of the people that aren't here for you now would even notice or care that you are no longer there. Maybe they will all see it as a blessing that "Debbie Downer" is not around anymore and they can go on with their happy, drunk, hurt other people and not care lives.
I'd love to 100% be able to pin my depression on one thing such as Aimad breaking up with me or possibly not having a job in December or my brother being treated like he is an outstanding Prince Charming, but its not just one thing its all of that and more that keeps me in this funk. Lets add that I have no friends, which I am also reminded of whenever I am at my parents house or I am sitting alone in my apartment for the 16th week in a row. I have no one to call when I am feeling this way and the one or two that say that I can talk to them, really don't want to hear it they just say that because they think its the right thing to do. Lucia even told me the other day she can't listen to me anymore.
Aimad was and is a huge reason I feel this way, it might not be so bad if I didn't see him everyday at work and he shuns me like I am not even there. So much for him wanting to be friends no matter what happened to us. I am constantly reminded of him telling me I was nothing to him but a "project" he wanted to teach me how to like sex, since I have hated it ever since I was raped (another reason for the way I feel.) Everything reminds me of him, walking through the mall, going to Navy Pier, parking on the 5th floor of the garage, every room of my apartment has some memory, not to mention the hundreds of pictures we took. Mridula says, cut all contact with him, but how is that possible when there are so many ways to contact each other without even speaking? I don't have to call him for him to know what I am doing and for me to know what he is doing, that is what the "Status" feature on Facebook and MySpace are for.
Halloween this year I was painfully reminded of what I did last year. Last year we had plans to go out, I sat in my costume, in my apartment and waited for him to call. The call never came and I ended up crying myself to sleep. The next day he said he didn't do Halloween and didn't think I was serious about going out. This year I walked into a meeting at work to see Aimad Fikri dressed as an Orange M&M, but he doesn't do Halloween. It's just constant hurt.
Last week we had a party for my dads friend and my drunk ass brother kept telling everyone that he wishes we were friends and that its all my fault that we aren't closer. He left out that he is very abusive, that he physically hurts me and that he talks bad about me when my friends and family are around. Why wouldn't I want to be friends with him? He wanted to make it out as if Thomas was a saint even though he sits at home, practically jobless, minus an education and treats everyone like shit. He is the number one reason, without a doubt, that I moved out and can't afford to put food on my table. Then Saint Thomas says, oh but Nicole is there for me when 9 of my friends have died and she sent me a heat pack when my back was hurting.... I began to wonder what is it that Saint Thomas has ever done for Nicole, nothing came to mind.
What Are the Symptoms?
For major depression, you may experience five or more of the following for at least a two-week period:
- Persistent sadness, pessimism
- Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness or hopelessness
- Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities, including sex
- Difficulty concentrating and complaints of poor memory
- Worsening of co-existing chronic disease, such as rheumatoid arthritis or diabetes
- Insomnia or oversleeping
- Weight gain or loss
- Fatigue, lack of energy
- Anxiety, agitation, irritability
- Thoughts of suicide or death
- Slow speech; slow movements
- Headache, stomachache, and digestive problems
I can't fall asleep, but once I am I don't want to ever wake up, I am then constantly tired the rest of the day but again I lay down in bed and no sleep.
I have gained a lot of weight, you may not have noticed but I certainly have. The killer is I eat a lot less my weight gain is strictly based on stress.
I don't want to do anything. My house is a disaster, I could careless if I am at work on time if at all, I don't want to leave my house on my days off and usually don't, there is a pile of dirty laundry just getting higher and higher because I don't care. At the end of this month is a wedding, I don't want to go anymore, when it was supposed to be me and Aimad it was the most exciting event to be coming up, now that's all I can think of and how I will never have a wedding of my own.
I am tired of everyone around me being happy while I sit alone and sad and crying.
I am on all of these websites, Facebook, MySpace and POF and people ask me out but I don't want to be hurt again so I tell everyone thanks but no thanks. I cant trust anyone because every time I have I have been hurt by the same person.
For about a month now I have been seeing a therapist, for all of you who for years thought I should. I don't feel that its helping. It actually makes me sad that I pay someone to listen to me for 45min when I cant afford to feed myself. I don't ask for help and the one time I do I don't feel that its helping at all. She cant give me a miracle pill to make me forget my past, or make Aimad get fired and go to another country, she can't change the people around me who constantly hurt me so really whats the point? Its the same thing as you saying " Get over it." My mother has always said that I am only happy when I am miserable, maybe shes right because I don't see myself being happy anytime soon in the traditional sense of happy.
I guess this blog was really just a 3am, I can't sleep, type through the crying, rambling.
Or some of you may think its a Nicole asking for attention blog, a Nicole's a drama queen blog, and Oh-Poor-Nicole blog.
Really maybe its just a Nicole needs to get some shit off her chest and everyone can just bite me blog.
Whatever kind of blog, you choose to read it, apparently in its entirety if you are down to this line.
I think Nicole now wants to be left alone, not hard considering I am alone.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Positivity
I was going to write you all that today, October 1st, was going to be the turning point for me.
It's been 11 weeks since Aimad broke up with me, it's a new month, the Cubs are in the post season and well so are the White Sox. I decided last night while falling asleep that I wanted to start over and be more positive. I want to forget about Aimad and how bad everything really was and think that it's actually a really good thing that we are no longer together. I was just thinking how much better things could be if only I thought that they could be better.
So today I was telling the girls at work about my new plan to be the new me and they were really excited and welcomed me back from the depression I have been in. Even one of the housekeepers noticed that I was all smiles today and she gave me a big hug saying it was good to see me in a good mood. Carlo, my boss, thought that I was stronger than that and should have been over all of that a long time ago but was happy that I have decided to move in a more positive direction.
I wasn't even completely upset when Felecia cancelled on me this evening for a concierge event at 10pin that we were supposed to attend since I would have rather been watching the Cubs game. I called my mom and told her that I was going to be heading down to Wrigleyville to watch the game at one or many of the local bars. She was worried about me being alone with all of the drunks and craziness but told me to be careful.
Not too long after that a guest comes down and starts asking me for certain stores and which malls were closer. He then wanted to know what plays were in town and what other interesting things were going on in town. I start to tell him about the plays and I mentioned that I was going down to Wrigleyville to hang out and that should be a good time so he should go. He wanted to know if I had tickets and I was like um no I can't afford them, yesterday standing room only were $125.00 a ticket! He asked me to call a broker and find out what was available, I asked how many tickets he would need and he said 2 one for me and one for him. I totally thought he was joking. I called the broker and they said they had two tickets in section 529 for $150.00 a piece. He asked me if I wanted to go and I said I would love to but I really can't afford those tickets I had only $50.00 on me he then said the game would be his treat and he ordered the tickets. I was shaking I was so excited. He gave me his card and told me he would meet me when I got off of work, then he really went to the mall.
I started announcing to everyone that I was going to the game and a lot of people were quite jealous. I took a ten minute break and called my mom and dad, brother and sister to gloat that not only will I be hanging out in Wrigleyville but I would be at the game!
When he came back to the hotel from the mall he was wearing a Cubs shirt despite the fact that he is a Phillies fan. We took the train down to Wrigley, picked up the tickets and headed to the field. It was his first time at Wrigley so we did the pictures in front of the marquee and everything. Of course I had to get my scorecard, which were jacked up in price, and he insisted on buying that too! I was going nuts, this guy who knew me for 5 minutes had already done more for me than Aimad had done in a year! I did buy the hot dogs though, which took forever to get since the hot dog vendor kept coming to our section empty. The game was a lot of fun, despite the loss.
So think positive and crazy things can happen! He said one of the favorite things about the night was how my eyes lit up like a kid on Christmas when i walked into the stadium and told him to look at how gorgeous it was, Wrigley is Heaven on Earth! At the time that I said that he actually said, I don't know what I should be looking at, the field or the girl I am with.
He wasn't a creepy guy either. I know a lot of people were afraid that he was expecting something in return for spending so much money on me, but he wasn't like that. I am sure he would not have pushed me away had I wanted to do something but the issue was never and issue.
Maybe this positive Nicole will have a lot of fun! Wish me luck!
It's been 11 weeks since Aimad broke up with me, it's a new month, the Cubs are in the post season and well so are the White Sox. I decided last night while falling asleep that I wanted to start over and be more positive. I want to forget about Aimad and how bad everything really was and think that it's actually a really good thing that we are no longer together. I was just thinking how much better things could be if only I thought that they could be better.
So today I was telling the girls at work about my new plan to be the new me and they were really excited and welcomed me back from the depression I have been in. Even one of the housekeepers noticed that I was all smiles today and she gave me a big hug saying it was good to see me in a good mood. Carlo, my boss, thought that I was stronger than that and should have been over all of that a long time ago but was happy that I have decided to move in a more positive direction.
I wasn't even completely upset when Felecia cancelled on me this evening for a concierge event at 10pin that we were supposed to attend since I would have rather been watching the Cubs game. I called my mom and told her that I was going to be heading down to Wrigleyville to watch the game at one or many of the local bars. She was worried about me being alone with all of the drunks and craziness but told me to be careful.
Not too long after that a guest comes down and starts asking me for certain stores and which malls were closer. He then wanted to know what plays were in town and what other interesting things were going on in town. I start to tell him about the plays and I mentioned that I was going down to Wrigleyville to hang out and that should be a good time so he should go. He wanted to know if I had tickets and I was like um no I can't afford them, yesterday standing room only were $125.00 a ticket! He asked me to call a broker and find out what was available, I asked how many tickets he would need and he said 2 one for me and one for him. I totally thought he was joking. I called the broker and they said they had two tickets in section 529 for $150.00 a piece. He asked me if I wanted to go and I said I would love to but I really can't afford those tickets I had only $50.00 on me he then said the game would be his treat and he ordered the tickets. I was shaking I was so excited. He gave me his card and told me he would meet me when I got off of work, then he really went to the mall.
I started announcing to everyone that I was going to the game and a lot of people were quite jealous. I took a ten minute break and called my mom and dad, brother and sister to gloat that not only will I be hanging out in Wrigleyville but I would be at the game!
When he came back to the hotel from the mall he was wearing a Cubs shirt despite the fact that he is a Phillies fan. We took the train down to Wrigley, picked up the tickets and headed to the field. It was his first time at Wrigley so we did the pictures in front of the marquee and everything. Of course I had to get my scorecard, which were jacked up in price, and he insisted on buying that too! I was going nuts, this guy who knew me for 5 minutes had already done more for me than Aimad had done in a year! I did buy the hot dogs though, which took forever to get since the hot dog vendor kept coming to our section empty. The game was a lot of fun, despite the loss.
So think positive and crazy things can happen! He said one of the favorite things about the night was how my eyes lit up like a kid on Christmas when i walked into the stadium and told him to look at how gorgeous it was, Wrigley is Heaven on Earth! At the time that I said that he actually said, I don't know what I should be looking at, the field or the girl I am with.
He wasn't a creepy guy either. I know a lot of people were afraid that he was expecting something in return for spending so much money on me, but he wasn't like that. I am sure he would not have pushed me away had I wanted to do something but the issue was never and issue.
Maybe this positive Nicole will have a lot of fun! Wish me luck!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Best City in Baseball
Its been over a week since the Chicago Cubs clinched the National League Central and ending up with the best record in the National League overall this season. Tonight the Chicago White Sox clinched the American League Central in a tiebreaker game.
Chicago is lucky as it is one of the few cities that have two teams to choose from, northside and southside, and you must make a choice!
I think that since both of the teams have made the post season for the first time in 102 years that this makes Chicago the best city in baseball. Although I am a die-hard Chicago Cubs fan, I do find it exciting that I can make that statement. A Crosstown World Series would be absolutely amazing, admit it no matter what side you are on. The Crosstown Classic that happens over the summer is always an event in and of itself but a World Series?!
I also think its the right city for it to happen to. Chicago respects the game, respects the players and when it really comes down to it we respect each other. Sure Cubs fans have been hearing about 2005 for the past few years and Sox fans like to remind us that it has been 100 years, but at the same time that is what makes this city exciting.
Sox fans and Cubs fans get married and I think its becuase that way they can fight about something that ends up being good plain fun. I have lots of Sox fan friends, we like to call and say my teams better than your team, but it has never ruined or monopolized our friendship. Chicago fans of either side expect it and truely end up having fun with it.
I don't expect riots and stupidity because we respect the game too much, we want to remember the post season right up to the World Series as the major event that it is and respect it for what it is.
Chicago is the Best City in Baseball and I can't wait to see what happens next!
Chicago is lucky as it is one of the few cities that have two teams to choose from, northside and southside, and you must make a choice!
I think that since both of the teams have made the post season for the first time in 102 years that this makes Chicago the best city in baseball. Although I am a die-hard Chicago Cubs fan, I do find it exciting that I can make that statement. A Crosstown World Series would be absolutely amazing, admit it no matter what side you are on. The Crosstown Classic that happens over the summer is always an event in and of itself but a World Series?!
I also think its the right city for it to happen to. Chicago respects the game, respects the players and when it really comes down to it we respect each other. Sure Cubs fans have been hearing about 2005 for the past few years and Sox fans like to remind us that it has been 100 years, but at the same time that is what makes this city exciting.
Sox fans and Cubs fans get married and I think its becuase that way they can fight about something that ends up being good plain fun. I have lots of Sox fan friends, we like to call and say my teams better than your team, but it has never ruined or monopolized our friendship. Chicago fans of either side expect it and truely end up having fun with it.
I don't expect riots and stupidity because we respect the game too much, we want to remember the post season right up to the World Series as the major event that it is and respect it for what it is.
Chicago is the Best City in Baseball and I can't wait to see what happens next!
Monday, September 29, 2008
I Loathe Liars
I really don't understand why people choose to lie, I am willing to bet that 4 out of 5 times you are going to get caught! I guess everyone is just hoping to be that fifth time.
People don't like that I tell it like it is. I can be cruel with my honesty, but wouldn't you rather me be honest than lie to you and you find out the truth later?
If you annoy me, I'll tell you. If your new haircut looks ridiculous, I'll tell you. If I don't want to do something with you, I won't make something up and end up doing that something anyways without you.
Why is it so hard for me to trust someone? Because being lied to, mistreated and misled is more common than being told the truth and having follow through. Neither of my exes had any follow through, lots of promises but no action. My friends have always been the same way as well. Is it me?
Is OK to always push someone to the side, maybe knowing that they will come back for more?
I am there for everyone, at anytime, I wish I could say the same about the people I am there for.
Birthdays: forgotten or completely blown off.
Break-Ups: She'll get over it.
Plans: Hey we can cancel on Nicole its ok she wont notice.
Invites: Tell her you have something better to do, how will she find out?
Thanks to crazy websites like Facebook and MySpace and the joy of AIM and Yahoo Messenger, people know more about each other in an instant than they did from the rumors in high school.
I'm just not happy and I don't like constantly being pushed to the side when all I ever try to do is make everyone else happy. Because of the lies I am cutting people out left and right becuase forgive and forget gets harder each time. Although I am getting rid of the people that hurt me, it also hurts to discover that you are all alone.
People don't like that I tell it like it is. I can be cruel with my honesty, but wouldn't you rather me be honest than lie to you and you find out the truth later?
If you annoy me, I'll tell you. If your new haircut looks ridiculous, I'll tell you. If I don't want to do something with you, I won't make something up and end up doing that something anyways without you.
Why is it so hard for me to trust someone? Because being lied to, mistreated and misled is more common than being told the truth and having follow through. Neither of my exes had any follow through, lots of promises but no action. My friends have always been the same way as well. Is it me?
Is OK to always push someone to the side, maybe knowing that they will come back for more?
I am there for everyone, at anytime, I wish I could say the same about the people I am there for.
Birthdays: forgotten or completely blown off.
Break-Ups: She'll get over it.
Plans: Hey we can cancel on Nicole its ok she wont notice.
Invites: Tell her you have something better to do, how will she find out?
Thanks to crazy websites like Facebook and MySpace and the joy of AIM and Yahoo Messenger, people know more about each other in an instant than they did from the rumors in high school.
I'm just not happy and I don't like constantly being pushed to the side when all I ever try to do is make everyone else happy. Because of the lies I am cutting people out left and right becuase forgive and forget gets harder each time. Although I am getting rid of the people that hurt me, it also hurts to discover that you are all alone.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Plenty of Fish... Guppies Maybe!
Have you ever used a singles website?
I've been on them in the past, more as an ego boost then to actually find love.
I have never paid to be on the sites though, I think that is just ridiculous, but I let the people email me and then I would delete it since you can not email them back without being a paid member.
Recently I found one that is free, its called PlentyofFish.Com, cute right? Apparently the people you find on a free singles website are choosing to be on the free website because the majority of them do not have jobs!
My main thing now while looking for a new man are the following:
I do not want him to live at home with his mom.
I want him to have a job and ambition to move up within his job.
I want him to have a car, it doesn't have to be the best but my name is not Jeeves the Chauffeur.
I want him to be tall, good-looking and not at all hairy.
I don't want him to be married, divorced or have kids.
I do not think that these are at all odd requests but the only guys that email me are living at home in their parents basement, they have no jobs, they have no car, they have 3 kids with different people and they have a full beard. Hmmm... I also think they are incapable of reading because HELLO you are not what I want! Needless to say I have not gone on a date with any of the guys from The Fish, nor will I in the near future. I don't think online dating is for me since there needs to be a sense of trust to meet a perfect stranger that may or may not be who they say they are on an online personal ad. Seriously are you going to advertise that you have a restraining order against you from your previous relationship, you are an alcoholic, you have had your drivers license taken away from all of you previous DUI's and you are not really the athletic guy you see in that picture instead you are a fat, bald guy who is about 40 not 27?
I had dinner and hung out with an amazing guy last night. Too bad he is just a great friend. We had the best time, at least I thought we did. We've known each other since Jr. High, but were never the best of friends. He went off and joined the Navy and traveled the world, while I stayed back here in Bensenville. Through the magic of AIM, MySpace and Facebook we have kept in touch over the years. He's in Chicago for a few weeks and I offered to take him to dinner at Morton's, which he had never been to, and being a concierge going to fine dining restaurants for free is a perk of my job. We had a great dinner. We caught up on a lot of things. He came back to the APT and we watched a movie and then the entire third season of Entourage, which since I had not seen seasons one and two, really meant nothing to me. Overall it just a great night. He didn't try to be all touchy, feely or anything crazy even though we were both drinking! I told him I could only be so lucky as to find a guy like that. It's too bad when the good ones are your friends, and one of you thinks the friendship is more important than ever attempting a relationship. Maybe its true what they say that men and women can not be "just friends" since one of them always wants something more from the other one at some point.
Moral of the story, I have to keep looking and maybe someday my prince will come!
Most likely he will not come from a singles website!
I've been on them in the past, more as an ego boost then to actually find love.
I have never paid to be on the sites though, I think that is just ridiculous, but I let the people email me and then I would delete it since you can not email them back without being a paid member.
Recently I found one that is free, its called PlentyofFish.Com, cute right? Apparently the people you find on a free singles website are choosing to be on the free website because the majority of them do not have jobs!
My main thing now while looking for a new man are the following:
I do not want him to live at home with his mom.
I want him to have a job and ambition to move up within his job.
I want him to have a car, it doesn't have to be the best but my name is not Jeeves the Chauffeur.
I want him to be tall, good-looking and not at all hairy.
I don't want him to be married, divorced or have kids.
I do not think that these are at all odd requests but the only guys that email me are living at home in their parents basement, they have no jobs, they have no car, they have 3 kids with different people and they have a full beard. Hmmm... I also think they are incapable of reading because HELLO you are not what I want! Needless to say I have not gone on a date with any of the guys from The Fish, nor will I in the near future. I don't think online dating is for me since there needs to be a sense of trust to meet a perfect stranger that may or may not be who they say they are on an online personal ad. Seriously are you going to advertise that you have a restraining order against you from your previous relationship, you are an alcoholic, you have had your drivers license taken away from all of you previous DUI's and you are not really the athletic guy you see in that picture instead you are a fat, bald guy who is about 40 not 27?
I had dinner and hung out with an amazing guy last night. Too bad he is just a great friend. We had the best time, at least I thought we did. We've known each other since Jr. High, but were never the best of friends. He went off and joined the Navy and traveled the world, while I stayed back here in Bensenville. Through the magic of AIM, MySpace and Facebook we have kept in touch over the years. He's in Chicago for a few weeks and I offered to take him to dinner at Morton's, which he had never been to, and being a concierge going to fine dining restaurants for free is a perk of my job. We had a great dinner. We caught up on a lot of things. He came back to the APT and we watched a movie and then the entire third season of Entourage, which since I had not seen seasons one and two, really meant nothing to me. Overall it just a great night. He didn't try to be all touchy, feely or anything crazy even though we were both drinking! I told him I could only be so lucky as to find a guy like that. It's too bad when the good ones are your friends, and one of you thinks the friendship is more important than ever attempting a relationship. Maybe its true what they say that men and women can not be "just friends" since one of them always wants something more from the other one at some point.
Moral of the story, I have to keep looking and maybe someday my prince will come!
Most likely he will not come from a singles website!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Crying
There was a time that my mother thought I was cold-hearted. She thought I cared about no one and was completely emotionless. Then I went to my grandfathers funeral when I was in high school.
I was never a crier, never really found it helpful, but that day my family heard me cry so hard I made other people cry. Since then its all I do.
It wasn't my first funeral, ask my brothers, sister and cousins and we will all tell you we grew up in funeral homes, we had an older family and we were never left at home. We would give people tours, we knew where the cookies were, how to turn the TV or radio on and where they were, so it wasn't the funeral it was that it was my grandpa's funeral. The only person who I knew believed in me and had all the faith in the world that despite everything that had happened with my family I would make a better life for myself. The man I counted pennies with and watched Wheel of Fortune with now is a picture on my refrigerator with the quote "Jesus says, I am with you always." I had the picture hanging in my bedroom since I was in second grade, at all three of my houses and now my apartment.
Crying since has come very easy.
If I have a bad day at work, I cry. If I see something that reminds me of Aimad, I cry. When I was dating Aimad and he said something, I cried. If I am watching a commercial that is cute, I cry.
Since Aimad broke up with me and even a few weeks before that when I knew things were ending, I have cried myself to sleep every single night. I still hate crying, it solves nothing and makes my eyes and face all blotchy, but I can't seem to stop myself. I can't seem to get myself out of this funk that I have been in for almost three solid months.
Tonight I was lying in bed yet again attempting to sleep when I was reminded that the new Disney movie about Chihuahua's will be coming out soon. Originally it was to be out next Friday and I still have the text from Aimad saying that we would have a special date because I was his "Little Chihuahua." Now every time I see those posters, see the commercial think about a chihuahua, I cry.
I cry when I get the mail and all it is is bills I can't pay, that's double the tears.
I cry when I look at my phone and see that no one has bothered to call me in weeks except work and my mother. I cried when I was denied the raise I asked for and think I whole-heartedly deserve. I cry when I work too much and I cry when I don't work enough.
I've been told I am happy being miserable, but I am not I just don't know what to do differently. Technically I have voided all of the people from my life that were hurting me and bringing me down but all that did was leave me alone. I'm too broke to go out and meet new people and by the way, where do you go when you are going alone?
I need something to change. I need something that makes me happy, confident and ready to face the world. Lately I feel so weak I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to get dressed and leave the apartment, and on my days off I don't. Last week on my day off I slept until 6:00pm, checked my email, fell asleep for an hour and then watched TV until 5:00am. Never once did I take a shower, get dressed, or leave the apartment, I didn't even walk downstairs to get the mail.
I was once a leader, someone people came to for help, now that I feel I need help I also feel I have no one to turn to and yes, I am crying.
I was never a crier, never really found it helpful, but that day my family heard me cry so hard I made other people cry. Since then its all I do.
It wasn't my first funeral, ask my brothers, sister and cousins and we will all tell you we grew up in funeral homes, we had an older family and we were never left at home. We would give people tours, we knew where the cookies were, how to turn the TV or radio on and where they were, so it wasn't the funeral it was that it was my grandpa's funeral. The only person who I knew believed in me and had all the faith in the world that despite everything that had happened with my family I would make a better life for myself. The man I counted pennies with and watched Wheel of Fortune with now is a picture on my refrigerator with the quote "Jesus says, I am with you always." I had the picture hanging in my bedroom since I was in second grade, at all three of my houses and now my apartment.
Crying since has come very easy.
If I have a bad day at work, I cry. If I see something that reminds me of Aimad, I cry. When I was dating Aimad and he said something, I cried. If I am watching a commercial that is cute, I cry.
Since Aimad broke up with me and even a few weeks before that when I knew things were ending, I have cried myself to sleep every single night. I still hate crying, it solves nothing and makes my eyes and face all blotchy, but I can't seem to stop myself. I can't seem to get myself out of this funk that I have been in for almost three solid months.
Tonight I was lying in bed yet again attempting to sleep when I was reminded that the new Disney movie about Chihuahua's will be coming out soon. Originally it was to be out next Friday and I still have the text from Aimad saying that we would have a special date because I was his "Little Chihuahua." Now every time I see those posters, see the commercial think about a chihuahua, I cry.
I cry when I get the mail and all it is is bills I can't pay, that's double the tears.
I cry when I look at my phone and see that no one has bothered to call me in weeks except work and my mother. I cried when I was denied the raise I asked for and think I whole-heartedly deserve. I cry when I work too much and I cry when I don't work enough.
I've been told I am happy being miserable, but I am not I just don't know what to do differently. Technically I have voided all of the people from my life that were hurting me and bringing me down but all that did was leave me alone. I'm too broke to go out and meet new people and by the way, where do you go when you are going alone?
I need something to change. I need something that makes me happy, confident and ready to face the world. Lately I feel so weak I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to get dressed and leave the apartment, and on my days off I don't. Last week on my day off I slept until 6:00pm, checked my email, fell asleep for an hour and then watched TV until 5:00am. Never once did I take a shower, get dressed, or leave the apartment, I didn't even walk downstairs to get the mail.
I was once a leader, someone people came to for help, now that I feel I need help I also feel I have no one to turn to and yes, I am crying.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
The Women
Have you heard about this movie that came out today, "The Women?"
Amazing movie!
A girlfriend and I went after a rough night at work to see this movie and we couldn't stop laughing or agreeing with everything they were saying! The cast was all women, not one man is seen in the film not even as an extra and it works. Men are talked about, implied to have been there and even talked to on the phone but not once is a man seen.
It's a film about friendships and relationships, just like any other movie made for women is, but it takes a new approach. These women are successful despite their men. The start and run businesses and families. They care for each other and their children like family.
The question did come up between my girlfriend and I though.
As you have seen in the previews one of the girls' husbands is having an affair and the best friend finds out first. She chooses not to tell the best friend what she knows and instead gossips it to the other friends in a "what should I do with this information" kind of a way. They say keep it to yourself. In the mean time the best friend finds out about her husbands affair.
The question that we both asked each other... What would you do if you found out that your friends husband was having an affair. A) Would you keep your mouth shut, what she doesn't know won't kill her. B) Tell her right away, she deserves to know. C) Tell someone that will tell her, then you aren't the bad guy.
I said it would depend on how close I am with the friend. If it was someone I have known all my life, good chance I would tell them, but only if I had proof otherwise you are jeopardizing the friendship. If I knew them as an acquaintance, probably not its not my place. If I didn't like the person and I wanted them to feel miserable I'll remind them every chance I get! Ooh I can be cruel.
Turn the tables, would I want to know?
I don't know.
I don't know that if someone told me that I would even believe them.
It would be a lot to take in and again depending on the friendship I had with the person giving me the alleged information, I don't know how I would take it.
I have never been a cheater nor, to my knowledge, have I ever been cheated on, but I do know people who have. In this movie the woman who has been cheated on goes from very weak and vulnerable to a very strong, success driven woman. The people I know that have been cheated on have basically crawled in a hole and died. I hope to never be cheated on I think it would absolutely be one of the worst feelings in the world.
Amazing movie!
A girlfriend and I went after a rough night at work to see this movie and we couldn't stop laughing or agreeing with everything they were saying! The cast was all women, not one man is seen in the film not even as an extra and it works. Men are talked about, implied to have been there and even talked to on the phone but not once is a man seen.
It's a film about friendships and relationships, just like any other movie made for women is, but it takes a new approach. These women are successful despite their men. The start and run businesses and families. They care for each other and their children like family.
The question did come up between my girlfriend and I though.
As you have seen in the previews one of the girls' husbands is having an affair and the best friend finds out first. She chooses not to tell the best friend what she knows and instead gossips it to the other friends in a "what should I do with this information" kind of a way. They say keep it to yourself. In the mean time the best friend finds out about her husbands affair.
The question that we both asked each other... What would you do if you found out that your friends husband was having an affair. A) Would you keep your mouth shut, what she doesn't know won't kill her. B) Tell her right away, she deserves to know. C) Tell someone that will tell her, then you aren't the bad guy.
I said it would depend on how close I am with the friend. If it was someone I have known all my life, good chance I would tell them, but only if I had proof otherwise you are jeopardizing the friendship. If I knew them as an acquaintance, probably not its not my place. If I didn't like the person and I wanted them to feel miserable I'll remind them every chance I get! Ooh I can be cruel.
Turn the tables, would I want to know?
I don't know.
I don't know that if someone told me that I would even believe them.
It would be a lot to take in and again depending on the friendship I had with the person giving me the alleged information, I don't know how I would take it.
I have never been a cheater nor, to my knowledge, have I ever been cheated on, but I do know people who have. In this movie the woman who has been cheated on goes from very weak and vulnerable to a very strong, success driven woman. The people I know that have been cheated on have basically crawled in a hole and died. I hope to never be cheated on I think it would absolutely be one of the worst feelings in the world.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
The Secret Life of an American Teenager
One of the hottest shows of the summer was "The Secret Life of an American Teenager."
If you missed it its about a high school girl named Amy who, while at band camp over the summer, has sex for the first time with a boy named Ricky. The end result, Amy gets pregnant.
Unfortunately, at least from my high school experience, this is more and more common. High school girls are having sex and having babies. I am 26 and know I could not care for another life but at 16 I would have died!
Call me crazy but what is wrong with these kids?
Kids having kids, where are the parents?
I didn't have sex in high school and was actually looked down for it, I was a prude, I was uncool, but I also wasn't walking around wondering. I knew that I graduated without a disease, without a positive pregnancy test, without a pregnancy scare! I was just fine without it. I also didn't have the pressuring boyfriend.
Why do guys need to have sexual conquests? Why is it "cool" to sleep with as many woman as possible but if a girl sleeps with every guy she's a whore or a slut? The double standard is horrible.
Girls get pegged as "easy" while guys get a pat on the back.
After Amy discovers that she is pregnant on the show she has a decision to make, stay at her current school or go to an all girls placement school. Why was this a hard decision for Amy to make, because unlike Ricky, Amy will start to actually show that she is pregnant. Ricky, on the other hand, can continue on with his life as if nothing happened, and he did. Ricky continued to sleep around with other girls and date other girls.
What makes this a TV show and not real life is Amy starts to date Ben. Ben is the most amazing guy around and treats Amy with amazing respect and love and at the age of 16 even buys Amy a ring and asks her to marry him. In real life there is no Ben.
I had pregnant friends in high school, Ben did not exist. The Ricky's in their lives tended to disappear as well. This leaves the girl, pregnant, alone and labeled. She is labeled as easy, a whore, a slut, people look down on her. Rarely is the guy looked down upon, talked about, or labeled. Instead his friends are talking to him about "how was it," "is she a screamer," "can I take a stab at her next."
High school is hard enough being high school without sex and pregnancy involved.
The TV shows, the movies, the magazines all push "sexy" and this is what these kids see and want to be like, but kids need to be kids!
A few years back I was at my little sisters basketball game, she was in Jr.high at the time, as I sat in the stands a few sixth graders were sitting behind me. I could not believe my ears as the four of them were discussing their first times! In sixth grade I think I was still playing with Barbie dolls and playing dress up with my friends, not having sex. In sixth grade you are twelve years old, kids should be learning about the changes their bodies will be going through, not teaching the class.
Shows like "The Secret Life of an American Teenager" tend to glorify the situation, possibly sending kids running to the bedroom or the back of the car. Teenagers are impressionable and people should be more careful about what their children are watching. "Gossip Girl", "90201", "The Hills", "The OC" all of these shows show a glorified life of sex and how wonderful life can be as a rebellious teenager, life is not fiction.
The original "Beverly Hills 90210" came out when I was much younger, I was not aloud to watch it because of the sex and drinking and things I should not have been exposed to while in grade school or Jr. high, where are all of these kids parents?
I encourage parents to take a stand against their kids watching such shows at such young ages. If nothing else at least make them aware of the consequences, most likely just because they are pregnant it does not mean that they will get married or that now someone will love them. Sex and babies are a huge responsibility and they should know all of the angles before jumping into bed.
If you missed it its about a high school girl named Amy who, while at band camp over the summer, has sex for the first time with a boy named Ricky. The end result, Amy gets pregnant.
Unfortunately, at least from my high school experience, this is more and more common. High school girls are having sex and having babies. I am 26 and know I could not care for another life but at 16 I would have died!
Call me crazy but what is wrong with these kids?
Kids having kids, where are the parents?
I didn't have sex in high school and was actually looked down for it, I was a prude, I was uncool, but I also wasn't walking around wondering. I knew that I graduated without a disease, without a positive pregnancy test, without a pregnancy scare! I was just fine without it. I also didn't have the pressuring boyfriend.
Why do guys need to have sexual conquests? Why is it "cool" to sleep with as many woman as possible but if a girl sleeps with every guy she's a whore or a slut? The double standard is horrible.
Girls get pegged as "easy" while guys get a pat on the back.
After Amy discovers that she is pregnant on the show she has a decision to make, stay at her current school or go to an all girls placement school. Why was this a hard decision for Amy to make, because unlike Ricky, Amy will start to actually show that she is pregnant. Ricky, on the other hand, can continue on with his life as if nothing happened, and he did. Ricky continued to sleep around with other girls and date other girls.
What makes this a TV show and not real life is Amy starts to date Ben. Ben is the most amazing guy around and treats Amy with amazing respect and love and at the age of 16 even buys Amy a ring and asks her to marry him. In real life there is no Ben.
I had pregnant friends in high school, Ben did not exist. The Ricky's in their lives tended to disappear as well. This leaves the girl, pregnant, alone and labeled. She is labeled as easy, a whore, a slut, people look down on her. Rarely is the guy looked down upon, talked about, or labeled. Instead his friends are talking to him about "how was it," "is she a screamer," "can I take a stab at her next."
High school is hard enough being high school without sex and pregnancy involved.
The TV shows, the movies, the magazines all push "sexy" and this is what these kids see and want to be like, but kids need to be kids!
A few years back I was at my little sisters basketball game, she was in Jr.high at the time, as I sat in the stands a few sixth graders were sitting behind me. I could not believe my ears as the four of them were discussing their first times! In sixth grade I think I was still playing with Barbie dolls and playing dress up with my friends, not having sex. In sixth grade you are twelve years old, kids should be learning about the changes their bodies will be going through, not teaching the class.
Shows like "The Secret Life of an American Teenager" tend to glorify the situation, possibly sending kids running to the bedroom or the back of the car. Teenagers are impressionable and people should be more careful about what their children are watching. "Gossip Girl", "90201", "The Hills", "The OC" all of these shows show a glorified life of sex and how wonderful life can be as a rebellious teenager, life is not fiction.
The original "Beverly Hills 90210" came out when I was much younger, I was not aloud to watch it because of the sex and drinking and things I should not have been exposed to while in grade school or Jr. high, where are all of these kids parents?
I encourage parents to take a stand against their kids watching such shows at such young ages. If nothing else at least make them aware of the consequences, most likely just because they are pregnant it does not mean that they will get married or that now someone will love them. Sex and babies are a huge responsibility and they should know all of the angles before jumping into bed.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Well Hello There
Welcome,
Well I am new to the Blogger community so let me tell you a little about me.
My name is Coley and I do live in the suburbs of Chicago.
I have a Journalism Degree that is collecting dust in a closet somewhere as I am a concierge at the Sofitel Chicago - O'Hare in Rosemont. I love my job, I get to meet so many different people from all over the world and from all different backgrounds. Sometimes I feel like a glorified bartender, if you get people talking you can find out so much about them!
This week at the hotel there is this wonderful older couple, they have been together for 50 years!
They met in college, she was 17 and he was right out of the service and boy are they still hopeless in love!
I would love to find that one day, although I know longer will find my one true love at 17, I'm 26.
You would think living in such a large city such as Chicago that finding someone wouldn't be the hardest thing in the world, but let me tell you nothing worth having comes easy! I have had two boyfriends, neither worth keeping around, although when I was with the two of them just try to convince me of that!
Why do we always spout advice to our friends, but listening to it ourselves never works?
I'm great at giving advice, oh I love to say this, that and the other thing but when I am in the same situation as the person I gave the advice to, ha I never listen to myself, or the friend who is now quoting me! Yikes!
So I live alone, that has its benefits as well as its downfalls!
Benefit, I can watch whatever I want on TV, when I want. Downfall, there's no one there to watch TV with. When someone says something stupid or a great commercial comes on, there is no one there to share it with and you may end up talking to yourself. It would also be nice to be living with someone else when it comes to the bills! Any kid out there that happens to be reading this and says I can't wait to move out of my parents house... STOP! Remember it is not just about the rent, there are bills (phone, electric, cellphone, etc...) and you may want to eat so don't forget how much groceries are, car payments and gas. It adds up to be more than you may have bargained for. I know it did for me. Here's a test for you, one week before deciding to fly the parental coop, offer to buy the groceries for the house. Go to the local grocery store and buy whatever it is on the list, as well as, all those things that you really like. How much do you think you'll spend? That will be your responsibility every week when you live on your own, Roman Noodles sounding really good to you right now don't they?
I am a huge Cubs fan! I can not say lifelong though, no I became a Cubs fan because the guy I had a crush on in high school was a Cubs fan and I wanted to desperately try to impress him! I choose what was to be my career path because of it but that's neither here nor there.
His name was Sam, a little dorky now that I look back, but he let me copy his paper in English class. I found out that he was going to be on the baseball team and so I decided to become the baseball manager to be around him and show off all of my "baseball knowledge." Girls, becoming part of the team the guy you like plays for is not a good idea. You become "one of the guys." You get to hear about all the gross things guys do, and they can see you as nothing else. I never dated in high school and this was one of the reasons. Boy do their girlfriends hate you though! You got to be in places with their men that they were never aloud to go, it had its perks!
Anyways, I am a Cubs fan, my entire living room is devoted to the "Lovable Losers" of the North side. I go to the home opener game every season with my younger sister and we always freeze since it is April in Chicago! One year the game was postponed... because of snow!
My favorite player, based on looks, is Kyle Farnsworth, currently with the Detroit Tigers.
My favorite player, based on Cubbie devotion, is Ron Santo, one of the voices of the Chicago Cubs.
My favorite players, based on their talent, Mark DeRosa, Derrick Lee, Aramis Ramierz and everyone else on this awesome 2008 team! This is our year. Not only are we a great team, we deserve it! 100 years is a little much don't you think?
I do love the game of baseball. I helped in starting the team for Columbia College when I was there. I went to an art school, art schools don't have sports teams apparently and that is just horrible. So my friend Brian and I decided to start the Columbia College Coyotes. It was the only thing that kept me going in college. I was not a fan of school, I was a fan of extracurriculars.
In high school I was a cheerleader for three years, baseball manager for four years, I played the flute in the band, I was the sports announcer on the daily video announcements, I was an auditorium usher, I was part of the Varsity Club, outside of school I was a Girl Scout, selling cookies all the way through my senior year! I loved to be around other people and to be known.
Here's the problem with all that, graduation. Once you graduate and you leave what you have known and the people you know and who know you for as long as twelve years, where do you go? Who are you outside of that safe place? Sure you hang on to a few friends, but people move, people get married, start families and where are you?
That is kinda where I still am now. I graduated high school eight years ago. I did the college thing and got that out of the way in four years. I moved out of my parents safe house at the old age of 25. I am still trying to find myself. I am single, I live alone, I have a fun job, but I have nothing outside of it.
My boss actually suggested this blogging thing, something to get my creative juices flowing, and give me something to do in my late nights when I get home from work.
I haven't had things easy, nothing was ever handed to me. I work hard and I have things to show for that, my car, my apartment, the fact that the electricity is on for me to be typing this blog. This blog will be an opinion blog, anything that may be on my mind that night. It may be long or short. You may learn more about me and my past, you may not but the one thing this blog will bring is some form of finding myself.
Who is Coley in Chicago? We can find out together!
Well I am new to the Blogger community so let me tell you a little about me.
My name is Coley and I do live in the suburbs of Chicago.
I have a Journalism Degree that is collecting dust in a closet somewhere as I am a concierge at the Sofitel Chicago - O'Hare in Rosemont. I love my job, I get to meet so many different people from all over the world and from all different backgrounds. Sometimes I feel like a glorified bartender, if you get people talking you can find out so much about them!
This week at the hotel there is this wonderful older couple, they have been together for 50 years!
They met in college, she was 17 and he was right out of the service and boy are they still hopeless in love!
I would love to find that one day, although I know longer will find my one true love at 17, I'm 26.
You would think living in such a large city such as Chicago that finding someone wouldn't be the hardest thing in the world, but let me tell you nothing worth having comes easy! I have had two boyfriends, neither worth keeping around, although when I was with the two of them just try to convince me of that!
Why do we always spout advice to our friends, but listening to it ourselves never works?
I'm great at giving advice, oh I love to say this, that and the other thing but when I am in the same situation as the person I gave the advice to, ha I never listen to myself, or the friend who is now quoting me! Yikes!
So I live alone, that has its benefits as well as its downfalls!
Benefit, I can watch whatever I want on TV, when I want. Downfall, there's no one there to watch TV with. When someone says something stupid or a great commercial comes on, there is no one there to share it with and you may end up talking to yourself. It would also be nice to be living with someone else when it comes to the bills! Any kid out there that happens to be reading this and says I can't wait to move out of my parents house... STOP! Remember it is not just about the rent, there are bills (phone, electric, cellphone, etc...) and you may want to eat so don't forget how much groceries are, car payments and gas. It adds up to be more than you may have bargained for. I know it did for me. Here's a test for you, one week before deciding to fly the parental coop, offer to buy the groceries for the house. Go to the local grocery store and buy whatever it is on the list, as well as, all those things that you really like. How much do you think you'll spend? That will be your responsibility every week when you live on your own, Roman Noodles sounding really good to you right now don't they?
I am a huge Cubs fan! I can not say lifelong though, no I became a Cubs fan because the guy I had a crush on in high school was a Cubs fan and I wanted to desperately try to impress him! I choose what was to be my career path because of it but that's neither here nor there.
His name was Sam, a little dorky now that I look back, but he let me copy his paper in English class. I found out that he was going to be on the baseball team and so I decided to become the baseball manager to be around him and show off all of my "baseball knowledge." Girls, becoming part of the team the guy you like plays for is not a good idea. You become "one of the guys." You get to hear about all the gross things guys do, and they can see you as nothing else. I never dated in high school and this was one of the reasons. Boy do their girlfriends hate you though! You got to be in places with their men that they were never aloud to go, it had its perks!
Anyways, I am a Cubs fan, my entire living room is devoted to the "Lovable Losers" of the North side. I go to the home opener game every season with my younger sister and we always freeze since it is April in Chicago! One year the game was postponed... because of snow!
My favorite player, based on looks, is Kyle Farnsworth, currently with the Detroit Tigers.
My favorite player, based on Cubbie devotion, is Ron Santo, one of the voices of the Chicago Cubs.
My favorite players, based on their talent, Mark DeRosa, Derrick Lee, Aramis Ramierz and everyone else on this awesome 2008 team! This is our year. Not only are we a great team, we deserve it! 100 years is a little much don't you think?
I do love the game of baseball. I helped in starting the team for Columbia College when I was there. I went to an art school, art schools don't have sports teams apparently and that is just horrible. So my friend Brian and I decided to start the Columbia College Coyotes. It was the only thing that kept me going in college. I was not a fan of school, I was a fan of extracurriculars.
In high school I was a cheerleader for three years, baseball manager for four years, I played the flute in the band, I was the sports announcer on the daily video announcements, I was an auditorium usher, I was part of the Varsity Club, outside of school I was a Girl Scout, selling cookies all the way through my senior year! I loved to be around other people and to be known.
Here's the problem with all that, graduation. Once you graduate and you leave what you have known and the people you know and who know you for as long as twelve years, where do you go? Who are you outside of that safe place? Sure you hang on to a few friends, but people move, people get married, start families and where are you?
That is kinda where I still am now. I graduated high school eight years ago. I did the college thing and got that out of the way in four years. I moved out of my parents safe house at the old age of 25. I am still trying to find myself. I am single, I live alone, I have a fun job, but I have nothing outside of it.
My boss actually suggested this blogging thing, something to get my creative juices flowing, and give me something to do in my late nights when I get home from work.
I haven't had things easy, nothing was ever handed to me. I work hard and I have things to show for that, my car, my apartment, the fact that the electricity is on for me to be typing this blog. This blog will be an opinion blog, anything that may be on my mind that night. It may be long or short. You may learn more about me and my past, you may not but the one thing this blog will bring is some form of finding myself.
Who is Coley in Chicago? We can find out together!
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