Have any of you suffered from Depression? Have any of you told someone who is depressed, "don't worry it will get better." "Move on, get over it." Guess what, it doesn't work that way.
I have been the most miserable the past few months. Crying myself to sleep, crying at the mall even crying at work and all I hear is "get over it."
You may think I am a drama queen, I want attention, I want Aimad to feel bad for breaking up with me or my parents to notice that I have been a successful person who asks for nothing. I feel like life isn't even worth living anymore. More than once I have had thoughts of taking my own life, even have feebly "attempted" to do so in recent weeks. I actually told that to someone in confidence and he said that I can't even do that right. In my head I didn't really want to do it but a part of me wishes I could go through with it.
But then do you ever wonder if all of the people that aren't here for you now would even notice or care that you are no longer there. Maybe they will all see it as a blessing that "Debbie Downer" is not around anymore and they can go on with their happy, drunk, hurt other people and not care lives.
I'd love to 100% be able to pin my depression on one thing such as Aimad breaking up with me or possibly not having a job in December or my brother being treated like he is an outstanding Prince Charming, but its not just one thing its all of that and more that keeps me in this funk. Lets add that I have no friends, which I am also reminded of whenever I am at my parents house or I am sitting alone in my apartment for the 16th week in a row. I have no one to call when I am feeling this way and the one or two that say that I can talk to them, really don't want to hear it they just say that because they think its the right thing to do. Lucia even told me the other day she can't listen to me anymore.
Aimad was and is a huge reason I feel this way, it might not be so bad if I didn't see him everyday at work and he shuns me like I am not even there. So much for him wanting to be friends no matter what happened to us. I am constantly reminded of him telling me I was nothing to him but a "project" he wanted to teach me how to like sex, since I have hated it ever since I was raped (another reason for the way I feel.) Everything reminds me of him, walking through the mall, going to Navy Pier, parking on the 5th floor of the garage, every room of my apartment has some memory, not to mention the hundreds of pictures we took. Mridula says, cut all contact with him, but how is that possible when there are so many ways to contact each other without even speaking? I don't have to call him for him to know what I am doing and for me to know what he is doing, that is what the "Status" feature on Facebook and MySpace are for.
Halloween this year I was painfully reminded of what I did last year. Last year we had plans to go out, I sat in my costume, in my apartment and waited for him to call. The call never came and I ended up crying myself to sleep. The next day he said he didn't do Halloween and didn't think I was serious about going out. This year I walked into a meeting at work to see Aimad Fikri dressed as an Orange M&M, but he doesn't do Halloween. It's just constant hurt.
Last week we had a party for my dads friend and my drunk ass brother kept telling everyone that he wishes we were friends and that its all my fault that we aren't closer. He left out that he is very abusive, that he physically hurts me and that he talks bad about me when my friends and family are around. Why wouldn't I want to be friends with him? He wanted to make it out as if Thomas was a saint even though he sits at home, practically jobless, minus an education and treats everyone like shit. He is the number one reason, without a doubt, that I moved out and can't afford to put food on my table. Then Saint Thomas says, oh but Nicole is there for me when 9 of my friends have died and she sent me a heat pack when my back was hurting.... I began to wonder what is it that Saint Thomas has ever done for Nicole, nothing came to mind.
What Are the Symptoms?
For major depression, you may experience five or more of the following for at least a two-week period:
- Persistent sadness, pessimism
- Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness or hopelessness
- Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities, including sex
- Difficulty concentrating and complaints of poor memory
- Worsening of co-existing chronic disease, such as rheumatoid arthritis or diabetes
- Insomnia or oversleeping
- Weight gain or loss
- Fatigue, lack of energy
- Anxiety, agitation, irritability
- Thoughts of suicide or death
- Slow speech; slow movements
- Headache, stomachache, and digestive problems
I can't fall asleep, but once I am I don't want to ever wake up, I am then constantly tired the rest of the day but again I lay down in bed and no sleep.
I have gained a lot of weight, you may not have noticed but I certainly have. The killer is I eat a lot less my weight gain is strictly based on stress.
I don't want to do anything. My house is a disaster, I could careless if I am at work on time if at all, I don't want to leave my house on my days off and usually don't, there is a pile of dirty laundry just getting higher and higher because I don't care. At the end of this month is a wedding, I don't want to go anymore, when it was supposed to be me and Aimad it was the most exciting event to be coming up, now that's all I can think of and how I will never have a wedding of my own.
I am tired of everyone around me being happy while I sit alone and sad and crying.
I am on all of these websites, Facebook, MySpace and POF and people ask me out but I don't want to be hurt again so I tell everyone thanks but no thanks. I cant trust anyone because every time I have I have been hurt by the same person.
For about a month now I have been seeing a therapist, for all of you who for years thought I should. I don't feel that its helping. It actually makes me sad that I pay someone to listen to me for 45min when I cant afford to feed myself. I don't ask for help and the one time I do I don't feel that its helping at all. She cant give me a miracle pill to make me forget my past, or make Aimad get fired and go to another country, she can't change the people around me who constantly hurt me so really whats the point? Its the same thing as you saying " Get over it." My mother has always said that I am only happy when I am miserable, maybe shes right because I don't see myself being happy anytime soon in the traditional sense of happy.
I guess this blog was really just a 3am, I can't sleep, type through the crying, rambling.
Or some of you may think its a Nicole asking for attention blog, a Nicole's a drama queen blog, and Oh-Poor-Nicole blog.
Really maybe its just a Nicole needs to get some shit off her chest and everyone can just bite me blog.
Whatever kind of blog, you choose to read it, apparently in its entirety if you are down to this line.
I think Nicole now wants to be left alone, not hard considering I am alone.
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