So I have had 2 boyfriends ever. The first was physically abusive the second mentally abusive, neither one thinks they ever did anything wrong, why is that? Why do guys always find a way to twist everything to blame girls so that the girl ends up looking crazy or like a drama queen or the victim?
Andres was my first boyfriend. I was never attracted to him, he was a big ugly Mexican, but he was also the first and only guy to ever ask me out and I was already 21 so I said yes. He started out great, buying me movies, sitting on the porch drinking beer until all hours of the night. His friends told me how wonderful a guy he was. We never went OUT though, we were basement dwellers always ordering pizza and watching TV with his friends. I never did anything right, I wore the wrong clothes, went to the wrong school, had the wrong job, drove the wrong car. He deleted friends from my cellphone that he didn't want me to talk to. Andres was always pushing for sex but I was never giving in, I was the girl waiting for marriage and it was a talk we had had a lot. Eventually he didn't want to talk anymore and since it was something that he wanted he took it. I still have horrible, horrible nightmares of that night. At the time I didn't tell anyone what had happened, I had watched enough TV and movies to know no one would believe me. He told me he loved me and we would be together forever so I stayed with him and kept my mouth shut. A few months later, which my brother referred to as "the 6 month rule" Andres made a huge scene and yelled at me for 3 hours about how I was the worst girlfriend he ever had and kicked me out of the house. The fight started with us making plans to celebrate Christmas that night (it was Dec. 27) dinner, a movie and drinks. I went home to get dressed up nice, I had just gotten home from work, and when I came back he was gone. I waited for about 20min but he didn't show up and he didn't have a cellphone. Outraged and sad I went for a drive, while driving I saw his truck at a restaurant where he happened to be with all of his friends having dinner. I started crying and drove to Wrigley, he was calling and calling finally he got me to come home and we went to the movies, we didn't speak to each other the whole time. My perfect boyfriend Christmas had been ruined. When we got home it was a whole new nightmare, the worst part about it is he had me so wrapped up in his world that I tried feverishly to win him back. I loathed sex with the man, he would always wait until we were asleep to do anything too me, it was horrible. Once a month for two years Andres would call me and tell me he changed, he missed me, he wanted me back, he made a mistake. I always hoped it was true, I kept going back only for him to get what he wanted and me to be miserable all over again. Things he said to me in the 6 months we were together ring in my head like big giant bells over and over. "If you ever get pregnant I will punch you in the stomach or throw you down a flight of stairs. You will not be the mother of my children." "I can never trust something that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die."
After all of this Andres thinks he did nothing wrong. He didn't rape me I wanted it. He treated me great, remember the movies he got me and the pizza we always ordered. He was the greatest guy in the world if you ask him. Funny how after he broke up with me the same friends who said he was a great guy began to tell me how no one should date him. He even used me once to cheat on the girl he was dating and yelled at me for finding out about it, her stuff was in the shower and I should have taken a shower at home not at his house.
I thought Aimad was different and he was. He never hit me and never forced me to have sex with him. Aimad has his own set of problems though that apparently he too does not find to be problems. He was a great guy, a friend you can tell your problems too and he would listen and not repeat them or judge you for them. He knew all about Andres and what I had gone through. Aimad wanted to change me in a different way and he didn't see anything wrong with that and at first I didn't think it was hurting me either but it built up to cause all kinds of problems.
Aimad had told me he "departmentalizes" his life meaning he has work, he has friends, he has family and he has his girlfriend and they were not to intermix with each other, when he chose me to be the girlfriend he broke that rule seeing as we also worked together. He wanted to keep us a secret at work, except for the people he chose got to know about us, anyone out of his special circle was off limits. This was hard for me as I am a very upfront and outgoing person who doesn't like to hide much, I tell it like it is and you should deal with it. Instead I made up "Phil" who never showed up to anything because he was always working and we went on with life. Aimad continued to tell people he was single, this hurt, but I was determined to make things work.
At first I didn't see him as much because he worked overnights, which was fine but then when he moved to days and I didn't see him then either. Except at work, where we were supposed to ignore each other. A few times that I did try to have a conversation with him and people were around I even got yelled at "Nicole stop, we're at work." I cried a lot even when I was still dating him because of scenes like this.
We had a lot more good times than I did with Andres but Aimad and I always ended up in a fight. He always had something better to do, something he had to get to, someone that apparently needed him more and I would have to bring him home. I never met these other people, I wasn't allowed to, this also hurt a lot, like he was ashamed of me and didn't want anyone to know about me. He said that his friends and family knew about me and they talked about me but since they don't speak English and I was never allowed to see anyone I would never know. I guess guys don't realize how much they are hurting someone they claim to care so much about when they do these things.
We were together for almost a year and never once did we spend a holiday together, I thought that was what boyfriends were for, holidays, gifts, spending time together. Aimad always said, "I didn't think it was important to you." It was and it hurt that the things that were important to me, he felt it was OK to blow off. Yes, he got me this computer for Christmas, that his friend left him to sell on Ebay but it would have been more of a gift to have him at my family Christmas dinner, instead I sat by the phone waiting for a call that never came, he said he overslept.
He was always oversleeping. He didn't have a car so I always had to pick him up and he was supposed to call me when he was at the train so I could leave me house, but nine times out of ten I would sit and wait for the phone call and it either wouldn't come at all or it would come so late that he would say "sorry, I'll make it up to you I promise." If I had a dollar for every time Aimad said those nine words I'd have my rent paid this month and maybe the next. I told him once that would be the inscription on his tombstone " AIMAD FIKRI Sorry, I'll Make It Up To You, I Promise"
He never made it up to me though, the same lines would come week after week, whether it was because he overslept, someone else called and he had to go or we were together and that damn phone would ring and I would have to take him home. I remember all the great days ruined by his damn friends, he never saw it as a problem, but it was. I hated to always be put last or not at all.
We went to the company Christmas party together, we looked amazing like Barbie and Ken, but we had to walk in separate doors and not sit next to each other and I had to explain that "Phil" was working and couldn't make it again. He always made me look stupid.
The day our boss found out that we were together, he stupidly went up to Aimad to ask him about it. Later that day I got a phone call bitching me out for hours about how I let this happen. Yes, after 8 months of dating and deleting all of my friends from MySpace I had asked Aimad's permission to put up some pictures of us and he agreed how was I to know that Carlo would see the pictures and ask Aimad about them? I had to go into work the next day and tell Carlo that we broke up, I had to change my status to single on everything and answer all kinds of questions so that he was happy.
I always gave him what he wanted, something else that was my fault.
For some reason I equate love and friendship with gifts. I never walked out of a store without buying Aimad a gift. I celebrated every occasion, every milestone of the relationship, I liked celebrating us as a couple, there wasn't much reciprocation on his part though. Again, I guess he just thought it wasn't important to me or maybe he didn't have to if he was reaping in all of these great gifts he was on the better side of the relationship.
So many nights I spent crying and he always thought everything was great or he was doing nothing wrong. Even when I would tell him what was wrong it didn't change things he told me I liked playing the victim, but I shouldn't have to play the victim or feel like a victim if I was being treated fairly.
When Aimad broke up with me it had been at the end of my 3 week vacation, which I took in hopes of seeing him more than once every 2 weeks. He hadn't talked to me the entire weekend before and I had gotten and email from him that said "I have been doing a lot of thinking and we need to talk." We set up a time to talk that Wednesday after my interview downtown, which I looked great at and thought I had nailed (didn't). It felt like I was picking up my executioner since I knew what he was going to do. I didn't know where to go to have someone break up with you, so we ended up at a park, where for 3 hours he attempted to explain why we should no longer be together. I was hysterical and only heard some of it and started rambling crazy things like where's my birthday present, but next week is our one year we were making plans, what about the Chihuahua movie and Dirty Dancing. He said we could still do all that, he would be a better friend than a boyfriend anyway. This I knew was a true statement but I also knew he would never be friends with me, I would find it too hard to be friends with him, especially if he found the right girl and started treating her like I had always wanted to be treated it would kill me.
What hurts now is all the contradictions that keep coming up and the lies that are being uncovered. Aimad told me he couldn't go to things like Taste of Chicago or Great America because he hates crowds of people, but he did go to the Air and Water Show, Lollapollza and the Obama Rally all of which had plenty more people. He said he never cheated on me, but sources say that's a lie.
He thinks he was so great and there were few times that he was but there were much greater times that he wasn't, the problem was he didn't seem those times as problems.
So I have had two super bad relationships in different ways and yet the same.
I want a guy who is proud to call me his girlfriend, have a picture of me on his desk, show me off to his friends and not hide me in a basement or my apartment for no one to see or god forbid talk about. I want to be treated with respect and not used for fun and games until you want something new to play with.
I want to spend holidays and birthdays together and not just talk about vacations but actually go on them.
I'm not a spoiled girl, I like that I am independent, but I like gifts and feeling special too.
I want to be a priority, not something you have to do to get it over with. I want you to want to see me not see me as a chore.
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