Coley is still completely in love with someone who will never love her

There's a Christmas song with the line "and I miss you most at Christmas time."
It's true. I fight with myself every night before bed if I want to put up the decorations, have my party, or even celebrate Christmas this year. Most of you know that Christmas is my favorite holiday but this year it just seems to be bringing back a lot of Aimad memories.

My Christmas party is a tradition I started the Christmas after we all graduated high school.
Two years ago December 16th, Aimad came to my Christmas party and kissed me for the first time. I can remember every second of it, what I was wearing, where we were, who was there, how it made me feel. Last year we celebrated the one year anniversary of our first kiss here at my apartment in front of the Christmas tree.
This year there will be no celebrating of the first kiss.

The decorations all remind me of what he was supposed to help me with but never did and now never will. The movies he never wanted to watch and never will have to. Almost everything I went shopping for last year was for him and was wrapped under the tree. I always wanted everything to be special for him, it was technically his first Christmas.

He was supposed to come to my family Christmas. He hated family things but promised me he would come and then go to work. He never called me on Christmas, never came to my family dinner. He may not know and also may not care, but I spent the majority of last Christmas just waiting with my cellphone in hand for his call, a call that never came.
This year I won't get a call either and I will be just as sad.

He did good on the gift part. His friend left at the beginning of December to go back to Morocco and left him a bunch of stuff to sell on Ebay. He knew how bad I wanted a computer since moving into my apartment so instead of selling his friends computer he cleaned it up and gave it to me, even put a nice bow on it. It was the only time I was in his apartment the entire time we were together last year. This year no gifts will be exchanged.

Aimad broke up with me on July 23rd, today is December 2nd and the hurt, the pain and the tears are all still real. I can't fall asleep at night without wondering what I could have done different, what I could have said so that he wouldn't leave me. He was not the best boyfriend but he made my heart whole. I am dreading the holiday without him, living through December 16th knowing that it will always mean more to me than it would to him, throwing my party remembering that that was the event that first brought us together and sitting by the phone on Christmas Day wondering if he is thinking about me too.

Aimad I miss you most at Christmas time.