I'm Not A Charity

Ever have a doll that when you lay it down it cries? I am that doll.
I am a mess but I also don't want help.
I don't have my rent money, due on the 1st.
I don't have the land line/Internet money, due on the 2ND.
I don't have the cellphone money, due on the 5Th.
I am not sure when the electric bill is due and the car and student loans are already a month behind.
I haven't been to work in over a month, and don't know when I am going back since they don't know what is wrong with my knee.
I don't want anyone to help me, I have always been the one to earn my money.
I moved out hoping to never be my parents, never asking for help.
I don't want people to offer me loans, or to take me places and buy me things. Part of being an adult is having responsibility and doing it on your own! I don't want the help!
I have never had any addictions that would cause me to lose a job or spend my money unwisely.
I rarely sleep because I have nightmares. Nightmares of being alone. Nightmares of not having enough money and being kicked out, watching my car be taken away and never being able to work again.
I have had many, many meltdowns. I cry and cry wishing everything would find a way to work, find the money to pay the bills and find a way to get out of my apartment and again join the human race.
Because of the lack of money, the knee injury, the nightmares, and the meltdowns I have lost all of my friends. They barely existed before but now they don't exist at all. They didn't know how to handle my moods, my breakdowns and I can't go out anywhere for lack of money so I stay here, alone, crying.
In case everything doesn't work out and I don't have any kind of communication to the outside world, I'll miss y'all... if anyone actually reads these things!