Crying

There was a time that my mother thought I was cold-hearted. She thought I cared about no one and was completely emotionless. Then I went to my grandfathers funeral when I was in high school.
I was never a crier, never really found it helpful, but that day my family heard me cry so hard I made other people cry. Since then its all I do.
It wasn't my first funeral, ask my brothers, sister and cousins and we will all tell you we grew up in funeral homes, we had an older family and we were never left at home. We would give people tours, we knew where the cookies were, how to turn the TV or radio on and where they were, so it wasn't the funeral it was that it was my grandpa's funeral. The only person who I knew believed in me and had all the faith in the world that despite everything that had happened with my family I would make a better life for myself. The man I counted pennies with and watched Wheel of Fortune with now is a picture on my refrigerator with the quote "Jesus says, I am with you always." I had the picture hanging in my bedroom since I was in second grade, at all three of my houses and now my apartment.
Crying since has come very easy.
If I have a bad day at work, I cry. If I see something that reminds me of Aimad, I cry. When I was dating Aimad and he said something, I cried. If I am watching a commercial that is cute, I cry.
Since Aimad broke up with me and even a few weeks before that when I knew things were ending, I have cried myself to sleep every single night. I still hate crying, it solves nothing and makes my eyes and face all blotchy, but I can't seem to stop myself. I can't seem to get myself out of this funk that I have been in for almost three solid months.
Tonight I was lying in bed yet again attempting to sleep when I was reminded that the new Disney movie about Chihuahua's will be coming out soon. Originally it was to be out next Friday and I still have the text from Aimad saying that we would have a special date because I was his "Little Chihuahua." Now every time I see those posters, see the commercial think about a chihuahua, I cry.
I cry when I get the mail and all it is is bills I can't pay, that's double the tears.
I cry when I look at my phone and see that no one has bothered to call me in weeks except work and my mother. I cried when I was denied the raise I asked for and think I whole-heartedly deserve. I cry when I work too much and I cry when I don't work enough.
I've been told I am happy being miserable, but I am not I just don't know what to do differently. Technically I have voided all of the people from my life that were hurting me and bringing me down but all that did was leave me alone. I'm too broke to go out and meet new people and by the way, where do you go when you are going alone?
I need something to change. I need something that makes me happy, confident and ready to face the world. Lately I feel so weak I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to get dressed and leave the apartment, and on my days off I don't. Last week on my day off I slept until 6:00pm, checked my email, fell asleep for an hour and then watched TV until 5:00am. Never once did I take a shower, get dressed, or leave the apartment, I didn't even walk downstairs to get the mail.
I was once a leader, someone people came to for help, now that I feel I need help I also feel I have no one to turn to and yes, I am crying.