Ever have a doll that when you lay it down it cries? I am that doll.
I am a mess but I also don't want help.
I don't have my rent money, due on the 1st.
I don't have the land line/Internet money, due on the 2ND.
I don't have the cellphone money, due on the 5Th.
I am not sure when the electric bill is due and the car and student loans are already a month behind.
I haven't been to work in over a month, and don't know when I am going back since they don't know what is wrong with my knee.
I don't want anyone to help me, I have always been the one to earn my money.
I moved out hoping to never be my parents, never asking for help.
I don't want people to offer me loans, or to take me places and buy me things. Part of being an adult is having responsibility and doing it on your own! I don't want the help!
I have never had any addictions that would cause me to lose a job or spend my money unwisely.
I rarely sleep because I have nightmares. Nightmares of being alone. Nightmares of not having enough money and being kicked out, watching my car be taken away and never being able to work again.
I have had many, many meltdowns. I cry and cry wishing everything would find a way to work, find the money to pay the bills and find a way to get out of my apartment and again join the human race.
Because of the lack of money, the knee injury, the nightmares, and the meltdowns I have lost all of my friends. They barely existed before but now they don't exist at all. They didn't know how to handle my moods, my breakdowns and I can't go out anywhere for lack of money so I stay here, alone, crying.
In case everything doesn't work out and I don't have any kind of communication to the outside world, I'll miss y'all... if anyone actually reads these things!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Knee Update
Hey everyone, its been quite some time hasn't it?
Well I should have been writing more seeing as I have been home for a month due to an injury, but also due to this injury there's nothing to talk about!!
On October 15th I fell down the stairs in the cafeteria at work. I filled out an accident report but the security guy said that it was nothing to worry about, probably just a bruise so I went on working. Everyday the following week I would come home from work with a swollen knee so I called my doctor and made an appointment.
My doctor sent me for X-Rays and told me not to do any excessive walking or standing. I went back to work and for the most part was put as the phone operator but still worked the concierge desk on occasion. When I went back for the follow up with my doctor he said my X-Rays came back normal and said I should go get an MRI. I was worried that the MRI wouldn't be covered by the insurance so I called to verify, this is when I was told that since the accident happened at work that they had the option to reject my claim.
That day I went to Human Resources for advice, this is 4 weeks after the initial accident. She told me that I had to basically start the whole process over with their doctors, I could not finish that nights shift and I could not return to work without a clean bill of health from the doctor.
I was then put into a cab and sent to Concentra in Franklin Park, more X-Rays were taken and this doctor finds a hairline fracture in my knee and requests a stat MRI scheduled for the following Monday.
Monday comes and I am getting ready to leave for the MRI office when I get a phone call, the MRI was canceled since the hotels insurance had not approved it yet. I then get a phone call from the hotels insurance to do an interview of what had happened. They tell me that I will be paid 2/3 of my paycheck while I am out of work.
A week later they tell me I can see the orthopedic surgeon who gives me a Cortozone shot. This helped for a few hours and then caused all kinds of pain that night, which he said would happen. What he did not say would happen is that my knee got worse for the next week! I can't sit for too long without my knee giving out, it even hurts to the touch now! So I called him to tell him and I saw him again, this time he says go for the MRI, 3 weeks after the initial doctor said go for an MRI.
Today, 2 months after the accident, I went to the doctor to get the results of last weeks MRI. The doctor found nothing! No fracture, no tear, nothing. So tell me why am I in so much pain??
I can't go back to work since he still has restrictions on me, no stairs, ladders, kneeling, crawling or crouching. I can't do much around the apartment becuase it hurts to be up and around. I am not getting any sleep since I can't get comfortable in bed. I am not going out anywhere thanks to living in Chicago and it being winter, the ice and my knee dont seem to like each other. I am going nuts without work and the checks coming from the insurance are not enough, making me depressed that I know I can not pay my bills on my own.
Tomorrow I start physical therapy, the doctor thinks that I need to strengthen my knee.
Wish me luck, I need to get back to work, I need to be around people!
Well I should have been writing more seeing as I have been home for a month due to an injury, but also due to this injury there's nothing to talk about!!
On October 15th I fell down the stairs in the cafeteria at work. I filled out an accident report but the security guy said that it was nothing to worry about, probably just a bruise so I went on working. Everyday the following week I would come home from work with a swollen knee so I called my doctor and made an appointment.
My doctor sent me for X-Rays and told me not to do any excessive walking or standing. I went back to work and for the most part was put as the phone operator but still worked the concierge desk on occasion. When I went back for the follow up with my doctor he said my X-Rays came back normal and said I should go get an MRI. I was worried that the MRI wouldn't be covered by the insurance so I called to verify, this is when I was told that since the accident happened at work that they had the option to reject my claim.
That day I went to Human Resources for advice, this is 4 weeks after the initial accident. She told me that I had to basically start the whole process over with their doctors, I could not finish that nights shift and I could not return to work without a clean bill of health from the doctor.
I was then put into a cab and sent to Concentra in Franklin Park, more X-Rays were taken and this doctor finds a hairline fracture in my knee and requests a stat MRI scheduled for the following Monday.
Monday comes and I am getting ready to leave for the MRI office when I get a phone call, the MRI was canceled since the hotels insurance had not approved it yet. I then get a phone call from the hotels insurance to do an interview of what had happened. They tell me that I will be paid 2/3 of my paycheck while I am out of work.
A week later they tell me I can see the orthopedic surgeon who gives me a Cortozone shot. This helped for a few hours and then caused all kinds of pain that night, which he said would happen. What he did not say would happen is that my knee got worse for the next week! I can't sit for too long without my knee giving out, it even hurts to the touch now! So I called him to tell him and I saw him again, this time he says go for the MRI, 3 weeks after the initial doctor said go for an MRI.
Today, 2 months after the accident, I went to the doctor to get the results of last weeks MRI. The doctor found nothing! No fracture, no tear, nothing. So tell me why am I in so much pain??
I can't go back to work since he still has restrictions on me, no stairs, ladders, kneeling, crawling or crouching. I can't do much around the apartment becuase it hurts to be up and around. I am not getting any sleep since I can't get comfortable in bed. I am not going out anywhere thanks to living in Chicago and it being winter, the ice and my knee dont seem to like each other. I am going nuts without work and the checks coming from the insurance are not enough, making me depressed that I know I can not pay my bills on my own.
Tomorrow I start physical therapy, the doctor thinks that I need to strengthen my knee.
Wish me luck, I need to get back to work, I need to be around people!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Coley is still completely in love with someone who will never love her
There's a Christmas song with the line "and I miss you most at Christmas time."
It's true. I fight with myself every night before bed if I want to put up the decorations, have my party, or even celebrate Christmas this year. Most of you know that Christmas is my favorite holiday but this year it just seems to be bringing back a lot of Aimad memories.
My Christmas party is a tradition I started the Christmas after we all graduated high school.
Two years ago December 16th, Aimad came to my Christmas party and kissed me for the first time. I can remember every second of it, what I was wearing, where we were, who was there, how it made me feel. Last year we celebrated the one year anniversary of our first kiss here at my apartment in front of the Christmas tree.
This year there will be no celebrating of the first kiss.
The decorations all remind me of what he was supposed to help me with but never did and now never will. The movies he never wanted to watch and never will have to. Almost everything I went shopping for last year was for him and was wrapped under the tree. I always wanted everything to be special for him, it was technically his first Christmas.
He was supposed to come to my family Christmas. He hated family things but promised me he would come and then go to work. He never called me on Christmas, never came to my family dinner. He may not know and also may not care, but I spent the majority of last Christmas just waiting with my cellphone in hand for his call, a call that never came.
This year I won't get a call either and I will be just as sad.
He did good on the gift part. His friend left at the beginning of December to go back to Morocco and left him a bunch of stuff to sell on Ebay. He knew how bad I wanted a computer since moving into my apartment so instead of selling his friends computer he cleaned it up and gave it to me, even put a nice bow on it. It was the only time I was in his apartment the entire time we were together last year. This year no gifts will be exchanged.
Aimad broke up with me on July 23rd, today is December 2nd and the hurt, the pain and the tears are all still real. I can't fall asleep at night without wondering what I could have done different, what I could have said so that he wouldn't leave me. He was not the best boyfriend but he made my heart whole. I am dreading the holiday without him, living through December 16th knowing that it will always mean more to me than it would to him, throwing my party remembering that that was the event that first brought us together and sitting by the phone on Christmas Day wondering if he is thinking about me too.
Aimad I miss you most at Christmas time.
It's true. I fight with myself every night before bed if I want to put up the decorations, have my party, or even celebrate Christmas this year. Most of you know that Christmas is my favorite holiday but this year it just seems to be bringing back a lot of Aimad memories.
My Christmas party is a tradition I started the Christmas after we all graduated high school.
Two years ago December 16th, Aimad came to my Christmas party and kissed me for the first time. I can remember every second of it, what I was wearing, where we were, who was there, how it made me feel. Last year we celebrated the one year anniversary of our first kiss here at my apartment in front of the Christmas tree.
This year there will be no celebrating of the first kiss.
The decorations all remind me of what he was supposed to help me with but never did and now never will. The movies he never wanted to watch and never will have to. Almost everything I went shopping for last year was for him and was wrapped under the tree. I always wanted everything to be special for him, it was technically his first Christmas.
He was supposed to come to my family Christmas. He hated family things but promised me he would come and then go to work. He never called me on Christmas, never came to my family dinner. He may not know and also may not care, but I spent the majority of last Christmas just waiting with my cellphone in hand for his call, a call that never came.
This year I won't get a call either and I will be just as sad.
He did good on the gift part. His friend left at the beginning of December to go back to Morocco and left him a bunch of stuff to sell on Ebay. He knew how bad I wanted a computer since moving into my apartment so instead of selling his friends computer he cleaned it up and gave it to me, even put a nice bow on it. It was the only time I was in his apartment the entire time we were together last year. This year no gifts will be exchanged.
Aimad broke up with me on July 23rd, today is December 2nd and the hurt, the pain and the tears are all still real. I can't fall asleep at night without wondering what I could have done different, what I could have said so that he wouldn't leave me. He was not the best boyfriend but he made my heart whole. I am dreading the holiday without him, living through December 16th knowing that it will always mean more to me than it would to him, throwing my party remembering that that was the event that first brought us together and sitting by the phone on Christmas Day wondering if he is thinking about me too.
Aimad I miss you most at Christmas time.
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