I deserve The Best, instead I Settle for whatever comes around

So I have had 2 boyfriends ever. The first was physically abusive the second mentally abusive, neither one thinks they ever did anything wrong, why is that? Why do guys always find a way to twist everything to blame girls so that the girl ends up looking crazy or like a drama queen or the victim?

Andres was my first boyfriend. I was never attracted to him, he was a big ugly Mexican, but he was also the first and only guy to ever ask me out and I was already 21 so I said yes. He started out great, buying me movies, sitting on the porch drinking beer until all hours of the night. His friends told me how wonderful a guy he was. We never went OUT though, we were basement dwellers always ordering pizza and watching TV with his friends. I never did anything right, I wore the wrong clothes, went to the wrong school, had the wrong job, drove the wrong car. He deleted friends from my cellphone that he didn't want me to talk to. Andres was always pushing for sex but I was never giving in, I was the girl waiting for marriage and it was a talk we had had a lot. Eventually he didn't want to talk anymore and since it was something that he wanted he took it. I still have horrible, horrible nightmares of that night. At the time I didn't tell anyone what had happened, I had watched enough TV and movies to know no one would believe me. He told me he loved me and we would be together forever so I stayed with him and kept my mouth shut. A few months later, which my brother referred to as "the 6 month rule" Andres made a huge scene and yelled at me for 3 hours about how I was the worst girlfriend he ever had and kicked me out of the house. The fight started with us making plans to celebrate Christmas that night (it was Dec. 27) dinner, a movie and drinks. I went home to get dressed up nice, I had just gotten home from work, and when I came back he was gone. I waited for about 20min but he didn't show up and he didn't have a cellphone. Outraged and sad I went for a drive, while driving I saw his truck at a restaurant where he happened to be with all of his friends having dinner. I started crying and drove to Wrigley, he was calling and calling finally he got me to come home and we went to the movies, we didn't speak to each other the whole time. My perfect boyfriend Christmas had been ruined. When we got home it was a whole new nightmare, the worst part about it is he had me so wrapped up in his world that I tried feverishly to win him back. I loathed sex with the man, he would always wait until we were asleep to do anything too me, it was horrible. Once a month for two years Andres would call me and tell me he changed, he missed me, he wanted me back, he made a mistake. I always hoped it was true, I kept going back only for him to get what he wanted and me to be miserable all over again. Things he said to me in the 6 months we were together ring in my head like big giant bells over and over. "If you ever get pregnant I will punch you in the stomach or throw you down a flight of stairs. You will not be the mother of my children." "I can never trust something that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die."
After all of this Andres thinks he did nothing wrong. He didn't rape me I wanted it. He treated me great, remember the movies he got me and the pizza we always ordered. He was the greatest guy in the world if you ask him. Funny how after he broke up with me the same friends who said he was a great guy began to tell me how no one should date him. He even used me once to cheat on the girl he was dating and yelled at me for finding out about it, her stuff was in the shower and I should have taken a shower at home not at his house.

I thought Aimad was different and he was. He never hit me and never forced me to have sex with him. Aimad has his own set of problems though that apparently he too does not find to be problems. He was a great guy, a friend you can tell your problems too and he would listen and not repeat them or judge you for them. He knew all about Andres and what I had gone through. Aimad wanted to change me in a different way and he didn't see anything wrong with that and at first I didn't think it was hurting me either but it built up to cause all kinds of problems.
Aimad had told me he "departmentalizes" his life meaning he has work, he has friends, he has family and he has his girlfriend and they were not to intermix with each other, when he chose me to be the girlfriend he broke that rule seeing as we also worked together. He wanted to keep us a secret at work, except for the people he chose got to know about us, anyone out of his special circle was off limits. This was hard for me as I am a very upfront and outgoing person who doesn't like to hide much, I tell it like it is and you should deal with it. Instead I made up "Phil" who never showed up to anything because he was always working and we went on with life. Aimad continued to tell people he was single, this hurt, but I was determined to make things work.
At first I didn't see him as much because he worked overnights, which was fine but then when he moved to days and I didn't see him then either. Except at work, where we were supposed to ignore each other. A few times that I did try to have a conversation with him and people were around I even got yelled at "Nicole stop, we're at work." I cried a lot even when I was still dating him because of scenes like this.
We had a lot more good times than I did with Andres but Aimad and I always ended up in a fight. He always had something better to do, something he had to get to, someone that apparently needed him more and I would have to bring him home. I never met these other people, I wasn't allowed to, this also hurt a lot, like he was ashamed of me and didn't want anyone to know about me. He said that his friends and family knew about me and they talked about me but since they don't speak English and I was never allowed to see anyone I would never know. I guess guys don't realize how much they are hurting someone they claim to care so much about when they do these things.
We were together for almost a year and never once did we spend a holiday together, I thought that was what boyfriends were for, holidays, gifts, spending time together. Aimad always said, "I didn't think it was important to you." It was and it hurt that the things that were important to me, he felt it was OK to blow off. Yes, he got me this computer for Christmas, that his friend left him to sell on Ebay but it would have been more of a gift to have him at my family Christmas dinner, instead I sat by the phone waiting for a call that never came, he said he overslept.
He was always oversleeping. He didn't have a car so I always had to pick him up and he was supposed to call me when he was at the train so I could leave me house, but nine times out of ten I would sit and wait for the phone call and it either wouldn't come at all or it would come so late that he would say "sorry, I'll make it up to you I promise." If I had a dollar for every time Aimad said those nine words I'd have my rent paid this month and maybe the next. I told him once that would be the inscription on his tombstone " AIMAD FIKRI Sorry, I'll Make It Up To You, I Promise"
He never made it up to me though, the same lines would come week after week, whether it was because he overslept, someone else called and he had to go or we were together and that damn phone would ring and I would have to take him home. I remember all the great days ruined by his damn friends, he never saw it as a problem, but it was. I hated to always be put last or not at all.
We went to the company Christmas party together, we looked amazing like Barbie and Ken, but we had to walk in separate doors and not sit next to each other and I had to explain that "Phil" was working and couldn't make it again. He always made me look stupid.
The day our boss found out that we were together, he stupidly went up to Aimad to ask him about it. Later that day I got a phone call bitching me out for hours about how I let this happen. Yes, after 8 months of dating and deleting all of my friends from MySpace I had asked Aimad's permission to put up some pictures of us and he agreed how was I to know that Carlo would see the pictures and ask Aimad about them? I had to go into work the next day and tell Carlo that we broke up, I had to change my status to single on everything and answer all kinds of questions so that he was happy.
I always gave him what he wanted, something else that was my fault.
For some reason I equate love and friendship with gifts. I never walked out of a store without buying Aimad a gift. I celebrated every occasion, every milestone of the relationship, I liked celebrating us as a couple, there wasn't much reciprocation on his part though. Again, I guess he just thought it wasn't important to me or maybe he didn't have to if he was reaping in all of these great gifts he was on the better side of the relationship.
So many nights I spent crying and he always thought everything was great or he was doing nothing wrong. Even when I would tell him what was wrong it didn't change things he told me I liked playing the victim, but I shouldn't have to play the victim or feel like a victim if I was being treated fairly.
When Aimad broke up with me it had been at the end of my 3 week vacation, which I took in hopes of seeing him more than once every 2 weeks. He hadn't talked to me the entire weekend before and I had gotten and email from him that said "I have been doing a lot of thinking and we need to talk." We set up a time to talk that Wednesday after my interview downtown, which I looked great at and thought I had nailed (didn't). It felt like I was picking up my executioner since I knew what he was going to do. I didn't know where to go to have someone break up with you, so we ended up at a park, where for 3 hours he attempted to explain why we should no longer be together. I was hysterical and only heard some of it and started rambling crazy things like where's my birthday present, but next week is our one year we were making plans, what about the Chihuahua movie and Dirty Dancing. He said we could still do all that, he would be a better friend than a boyfriend anyway. This I knew was a true statement but I also knew he would never be friends with me, I would find it too hard to be friends with him, especially if he found the right girl and started treating her like I had always wanted to be treated it would kill me.
What hurts now is all the contradictions that keep coming up and the lies that are being uncovered. Aimad told me he couldn't go to things like Taste of Chicago or Great America because he hates crowds of people, but he did go to the Air and Water Show, Lollapollza and the Obama Rally all of which had plenty more people. He said he never cheated on me, but sources say that's a lie.
He thinks he was so great and there were few times that he was but there were much greater times that he wasn't, the problem was he didn't seem those times as problems.

So I have had two super bad relationships in different ways and yet the same.
I want a guy who is proud to call me his girlfriend, have a picture of me on his desk, show me off to his friends and not hide me in a basement or my apartment for no one to see or god forbid talk about. I want to be treated with respect and not used for fun and games until you want something new to play with.
I want to spend holidays and birthdays together and not just talk about vacations but actually go on them.
I'm not a spoiled girl, I like that I am independent, but I like gifts and feeling special too.
I want to be a priority, not something you have to do to get it over with. I want you to want to see me not see me as a chore.

Depression

Have any of you suffered from Depression? Have any of you told someone who is depressed, "don't worry it will get better." "Move on, get over it." Guess what, it doesn't work that way.
I have been the most miserable the past few months. Crying myself to sleep, crying at the mall even crying at work and all I hear is "get over it."
You may think I am a drama queen, I want attention, I want Aimad to feel bad for breaking up with me or my parents to notice that I have been a successful person who asks for nothing. I feel like life isn't even worth living anymore. More than once I have had thoughts of taking my own life, even have feebly "attempted" to do so in recent weeks. I actually told that to someone in confidence and he said that I can't even do that right. In my head I didn't really want to do it but a part of me wishes I could go through with it.
But then do you ever wonder if all of the people that aren't here for you now would even notice or care that you are no longer there. Maybe they will all see it as a blessing that "Debbie Downer" is not around anymore and they can go on with their happy, drunk, hurt other people and not care lives.

I'd love to 100% be able to pin my depression on one thing such as Aimad breaking up with me or possibly not having a job in December or my brother being treated like he is an outstanding Prince Charming, but its not just one thing its all of that and more that keeps me in this funk. Lets add that I have no friends, which I am also reminded of whenever I am at my parents house or I am sitting alone in my apartment for the 16th week in a row. I have no one to call when I am feeling this way and the one or two that say that I can talk to them, really don't want to hear it they just say that because they think its the right thing to do. Lucia even told me the other day she can't listen to me anymore.
Aimad was and is a huge reason I feel this way, it might not be so bad if I didn't see him everyday at work and he shuns me like I am not even there. So much for him wanting to be friends no matter what happened to us. I am constantly reminded of him telling me I was nothing to him but a "project" he wanted to teach me how to like sex, since I have hated it ever since I was raped (another reason for the way I feel.) Everything reminds me of him, walking through the mall, going to Navy Pier, parking on the 5th floor of the garage, every room of my apartment has some memory, not to mention the hundreds of pictures we took. Mridula says, cut all contact with him, but how is that possible when there are so many ways to contact each other without even speaking? I don't have to call him for him to know what I am doing and for me to know what he is doing, that is what the "Status" feature on Facebook and MySpace are for.
Halloween this year I was painfully reminded of what I did last year. Last year we had plans to go out, I sat in my costume, in my apartment and waited for him to call. The call never came and I ended up crying myself to sleep. The next day he said he didn't do Halloween and didn't think I was serious about going out. This year I walked into a meeting at work to see Aimad Fikri dressed as an Orange M&M, but he doesn't do Halloween. It's just constant hurt.

Last week we had a party for my dads friend and my drunk ass brother kept telling everyone that he wishes we were friends and that its all my fault that we aren't closer. He left out that he is very abusive, that he physically hurts me and that he talks bad about me when my friends and family are around. Why wouldn't I want to be friends with him? He wanted to make it out as if Thomas was a saint even though he sits at home, practically jobless, minus an education and treats everyone like shit. He is the number one reason, without a doubt, that I moved out and can't afford to put food on my table. Then Saint Thomas says, oh but Nicole is there for me when 9 of my friends have died and she sent me a heat pack when my back was hurting.... I began to wonder what is it that Saint Thomas has ever done for Nicole, nothing came to mind.

What Are the Symptoms?

For major depression, you may experience five or more of the following for at least a two-week period:

• Persistent sadness, pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness or hopelessness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities, including sex
• Difficulty concentrating and complaints of poor memory
• Worsening of co-existing chronic disease, such as rheumatoid arthritis or diabetes
• Insomnia or oversleeping
• Weight gain or loss
• Fatigue, lack of energy
• Anxiety, agitation, irritability
• Thoughts of suicide or death
• Slow speech; slow movements
• Headache, stomachache, and digestive problems

The symptoms that I have are highlighted in blue. I am constantly sad, at the drop of a hat I could cry. I am also very angry that I feel this way, that it's not going away, that no one else feels bad for the things they have done or are doing to make me feel this way.
I can't fall asleep, but once I am I don't want to ever wake up, I am then constantly tired the rest of the day but again I lay down in bed and no sleep.
I have gained a lot of weight, you may not have noticed but I certainly have. The killer is I eat a lot less my weight gain is strictly based on stress.
I don't want to do anything. My house is a disaster, I could careless if I am at work on time if at all, I don't want to leave my house on my days off and usually don't, there is a pile of dirty laundry just getting higher and higher because I don't care. At the end of this month is a wedding, I don't want to go anymore, when it was supposed to be me and Aimad it was the most exciting event to be coming up, now that's all I can think of and how I will never have a wedding of my own.
I am tired of everyone around me being happy while I sit alone and sad and crying.

I am on all of these websites, Facebook, MySpace and POF and people ask me out but I don't want to be hurt again so I tell everyone thanks but no thanks. I cant trust anyone because every time I have I have been hurt by the same person.

For about a month now I have been seeing a therapist, for all of you who for years thought I should. I don't feel that its helping. It actually makes me sad that I pay someone to listen to me for 45min when I cant afford to feed myself. I don't ask for help and the one time I do I don't feel that its helping at all. She cant give me a miracle pill to make me forget my past, or make Aimad get fired and go to another country, she can't change the people around me who constantly hurt me so really whats the point? Its the same thing as you saying " Get over it." My mother has always said that I am only happy when I am miserable, maybe shes right because I don't see myself being happy anytime soon in the traditional sense of happy.

I guess this blog was really just a 3am, I can't sleep, type through the crying, rambling.
Or some of you may think its a Nicole asking for attention blog, a Nicole's a drama queen blog, and Oh-Poor-Nicole blog.
Really maybe its just a Nicole needs to get some shit off her chest and everyone can just bite me blog.
Whatever kind of blog, you choose to read it, apparently in its entirety if you are down to this line.
I think Nicole now wants to be left alone, not hard considering I am alone.